Your survival skills
Your survival skills as a child become your dysfunction as an adult.
Taking time to ponder your survival skill as you were younger can become a key to understanding how others experience you, and lead you to higher planes of functionality and resolve. Finding this key is a gift you give those around you, unlocking the places you get stuck in your relationship. It’s you doing your part to find the holding patterns and revealing limitations.
The big reveal
We all have moments of nervousness or feeling emotionally uncomfortable, and that’s one of the most obvious reveals of your tendencies to survive. On the outside, do you do one of these?
Laugh or make a joke
Deflect, or get distracted
Get irritable and moody
Lash out and get angry
Get numb and tune-out
Get physically sick
Lie and make excuses
Non-acceptance, lack of trust, and poor communication will kill any relationship. The good news is that you can avoid these common killers of relationships by identifying them when they come up, looking within, and committing to doing the hard work required to find out the survival skill that you developed as a child.
Here’s my story
Audrey: In my own childhood story, I wanted treats and desired to feel rewarded and special. Our family didn’t have extra money for abundant treats, so I learned at a very young age, that I have to get what I want by myself. I was self-sufficient and determined and developed the survival skill of independence. Although this may be celebrated, when this strength is overused, I bring this into our marriage to Bob and bulldoze my ways of doing things, and don’t welcome his input. I miss the benefit of partnership and depending on each other, and most of all, depending on God. I get overly independent and self-sufficient and don’t make space for Bob’s input, or help or perspective. In this way, I miss out on the partnership of togetherness.
Unfortunately, survival patterns don’t always serve you
Survival patterns tend to show up when you have some unresolved emotional trauma. Today, when we work with clients, we see them incorporating survival patterns to manage and tolerate their feelings. Feelings that trace back to their childhood. They continue using the same mechanisms to cope with their adult lives. The result is, the drama continues, and the past trauma continues to get activated, even in situations where it’s not reasonable to have intense emotions.
It’s important to consider how your survival patterns are still showing up today and to see how they negatively impact your adult relationships.
Does it still feel unfair?
What was your environment growing up? What was lacking? The important question is, “Do I want to be resentful?” Justifying resentment strengthens and prolongs it. It keeps us focused on a perception of unfairness - we didn’t get the help, appreciation, praise, reward, or affection we deserved. We feel animated by the perception that we’ve been wronged, and that intensive produces adrenaline that borrows energy from the future.
There is a story behind the resentment about how you “had to survive” but you have a more compelling right to live a value-filled life with satisfying relationships, and that is impossible with resentment.
How Do I Overcome My Survival Pattern?
The good news is that no matter what survival pattern you have, it doesn’t mean you’ve got this for life. Creating healthy emotional intimacy in relationships is not only a great goal but can become a treasured endeavour. Nurturing attraction, empathy and harmony starts with you. Mastering nonverbal communication, good vibes, and affection start with you feeling secure and loved. As you are safe in your differences and trust each other, life becomes simple, painless, and uncomplicated. It is worth your efforts to have a smooth, straightforward, and unchallenging relationship. Life has enough stresses of its own, why not do life with the one that understands you the most?
Give yourself the gift of comfort and peace that comes from involving God in your childhood memories. Where did you find comfort as a child? Find unconditional love in God, the one who sees you, understands you, and provides everything you need. He has always been with you, and when you trust Him he will journey with you to the place of freedom and hope! And those are two beautiful gifts to bring to your relationship.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 62 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.