182 (pt. 2) The Story I’m telling Myself About You
In every relationship, the way we think about things can either help or hurt. Sometimes, the biggest problems come from the stories we make up in our minds. These are the things we tell ourselves based on our past, our worries, or even things we’ve seen before. Maybe we think our partner doesn’t care as much as they should, or we assume the worst when they’re quiet. These stories can easily cause arguments or push people away.
We’ve worked with a lot of couples who’ve struggled to believe that their partner truly loves them. It’s amazing to see the change that happens when they start trusting that the love has been there all along. When they let go of doubt and begin to trust each other again, we see walls come down, and the relationship grows stronger.
1. Take Charge of Your Own Emotional Security
One of the first things to understand is that your emotional security comes from inside you, as you invest in your relationship with God, and how He feels about you. Many times, we rely on the other person’s actions, words, or mood to make us feel safe and secure, but that never works! This makes us focus on things we can’t control. For example, a wife might worry about every little thing her husband says or does, thinking it means something’s wrong.
Instead of looking for constant reassurance, it’s better to trust the relationship and yourself. You’ve built something solid over time, and you can rely on that. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” In this case, “being still” means trusting that you are loved, and that God is leading you and loving you in a very deep and personal way.
2. Let Go of Control Over Their Journey
It’s natural to want to control or understand every little thing the people around you say or do, but we have to remember: each person is responsible for their own thoughts and feelings. When we try to control someone else’s emotions, it can create tension. Instead, focus on your own actions and feelings.
When you catch yourself getting worked up about your the other person’s mood or actions, pause and ask, “Am I reacting because of my own insecurity, or is this really about them?” This helps you stop the habit of turning small things into big issues.
3. Choose to Believe They Love You
In any relationship, believing that the person you love truly loves you is huge. When they do something that doesn’t meet your expectations, it’s easy to doubt or assume the worst. But instead of letting those negative thoughts take over, focus on what’s true: they love you. Philippians 4:8 tells us to focus on what’s true and good—so remind yourself of the love that’s there, even in small moments that don’t seem perfect.
When you trust in that love, you free yourself from needing constant reassurance. You can rest in the security of your relationship.
4. Build Emotional Strength
When you learn to rely on yourself for emotional security, you get stronger. You can handle those moments of silence or when things feel a little off without assuming something bad is happening. You can ask yourself, “Am I okay with who I am, no matter what my loved one does right now?”
Being emotionally strong means you don’t need them to always make you feel better. You know that a small mood swing doesn’t change how much they care.
5. Create a Culture of Trust
When you feel secure, it changes the whole vibe in the relationship. When one person is calm and trusting, the other person feels that too, and it helps them relax. Trust brings more trust. When one person notices that the other is confident in the relationship, they can be more themselves without worrying about constant reassurance. This creates a relationship where both people feel understood and accepted.
6. Affirm Your Worth and Joy
It’s important to remind yourself that you are valuable and loved. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This means you need to protect your heart from fear and doubt. If you keep reminding yourself of the love in your life—from both your loved ones and God—you can stop insecurity from sneaking in.
Breaking the Bad Stories
Negative stories in our heads often lead to negative behavior. For example, if you believe your loved one doesn’t care, you might start acting cold or distant, which only makes things worse. But you can break this cycle.
Here’s how:
Challenge Your Assumptions: Before you act on a story in your head, ask yourself if it’s really true. Don’t just assume.
Self-Reflect: Think about your own reactions. Are you reacting to what’s really happening, or are you reacting to what you think might happen?
Flip the Script: Instead of thinking the worst, choose to believe the best about your loved one.
Practical Tool: "I Believe You Love Me"
A simple way to stop these negative stories is by using the phrase, “I believe you love me but this is the story I’m telling myself.” This opens the door for your loved one to understand where you're coming from, without it turning into a fight. It lets them explain what’s really going on, instead of you reacting to a false story.
Conclusion: Choose a Better Perspective
In the end, the stories we tell ourselves can either create distance or bring us closer. By choosing to trust, we can build deeper connections, better communication, and more emotional security. When we let go of our assumptions and believe in the love that’s already there, we make room for healthier, happier relationships.