The top stressor in relationships
Listening to couples and hearing their pain is very important for us to pinpoint the stressors, and help them discover solutions that will work specifically for them. We want to help couples get to that place of enjoying each other and benefiting from their union of partnership, shared dreams, and secure friendship!
Resentment keeps us focused on a perception of unfairness, and justice wants to scream out for equilibrium. The “wronged” person feels that they are not getting the help, appreciation, reward, or affection that they deserve. They feel like the betrayal is too deep, and the other person hasn’t “paid” enough for their dishonorable behavior. Even though there may be substantiating evidence to prove those very points, justifying resentment only strengthens and prolongs it.
Giving attention and continual thought to the injustice strengthens the neural connections underlying it, and over time makes it an automatic thought process. Resentful people complain and criticize out of habit. When you resent, you remember every perceived offense since you started living together.
What are some of the signs that there may be resentment?
Easily angry at any little thing
Feel like a fool
Avoid certain memories or associations
Don’t feel like yourself (as if you’ve lost yourself)
Hurt the people you love
Feel stuck in many areas of your life
“Beware lest there be among you a root bearing poisonous and bitter fruit” (Deut. 29:18).
Like weeds, bitterness has a way of spreading. If we don’t deal with bitterness, that bitterness will progress toward extreme anger. If that goes unchecked, we will eventually want that other person to feel pain. All along the way, people are hurt, relationships are derailed, joy is stolen and growth of the fruit of the Holy Spirit is stunted.
You can flip the switch and choose peace!
Prioritizing peace has become one of our main messages, and the most important teaching for the last ten years. If we live under stress, it gets us into head-mode where we aren’t hearing the voice of God in our hearts. Let’s desire peace more than anything else, for this is where we hear God and even though my days and calendar may be full of activity, I’m not stressed or feeling fearful. This is the definition of living in the promise, otherwise known as living heaven on earth...paradise!
This is an inside journey, not an outward expression of everything going perfect on the outside.
The only way to let go of resentment is to experience perfect love
If this was an intellectual decision, we could convince you, but it’s a heart decision. It happens when you get desperate enough to call on God and “empty your cup” of stubbornness, trying to forgive with your human strength, and desire for the other person to be punished. Your heart won’t let go until it’s been loved by God, even when you know you’ve had a hard heart.
Consider asking God how He feels about you. He’s not mad at you or even disappointed. He is familiar with your sorrow, which means He truly understands more than anyone else. He validates your pain but doesn’t want to leave you there. Receive His comfort and let Him cover you. As you rest in His presence, you can let go of the “bitter root” of resentment and start fresh and new.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 63 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.