Seven steps to peaceful communication
Imagine how it would feel to have high-functioning relationships with all of your family members and those closest to you. For me, that would mean fun and enjoyable conversations as well as meaningful and trust-filled moments. I want that kind of relationship with my husband, my kids, my parents and all of my friends and extended family!
Setting that dream before you gives you a leading vantage point - allowing you to see the big picture. It’s the first step to your dream becoming a reality. It’s empowering when you realize: not only could that relationship dream be my reality, but I am willing to be the first one to invest in the hard work.
Our tool of learning “Communications Goals” has been particularly popular and effective as a launching point. Learning a deeper understanding of your communication goals is a huge step in the direction of walking in love. You might have a person in your life that you have really tried to connect with but you just couldn’t figure them out. Or, you just want your family to get along, and you’re willing to be the first one to change. You are in the right place at the right place as this communication goal adventure continues!
How do Others Experience You?
Writing out your personal mission statement is simply answering the question: How do I want people to experience me? Remember the four communications goals?
Liked
Right
In Control
Safe
As we review results from other students who have written out their personal mission statement, this is how some of them completed the worksheet depending on what their top goal is:
“As a liked person, others may have experienced me as having a scary amount of enthusiasm and asking too many personal questions. From now on, I want others to feel joy and fun, but safe and relaxed too.”
“As a right person, others may have experienced me as intimidating, challenging and possibly me needing to speak my opinion, leaving them feeling corrected. But that will change, from now on, I want people to feel validated, appreciated and safe as a result of being with me.”
“As a control person, others may have experienced me as impatient and having a low tolerance for them. They may have felt discarded and not as good as me. From now on, I want people to feel secure in their gifts after they have been with me.
“As a safe person, others may have experienced me as being closed – with an invisible shield saying “Don’t come too close”. They may have felt awkward and nervous, simply because I feel awkward and nervous. From now on, I want people to feel at peace in my presence without pressure to satisfy my needs.”
How Do I Navigate Our Differences?
With a possibility of twenty-four combinations within our communications goals order, the person you are wanting to deepen the relationship with, or simply get along with, is likely different than you. Your differences can divide and create a conflict of understanding – take the two of us for example:
Working Together:
Audrey: As we work together, I want to get the job done. On-time. Meet the deadline. I feel comfortable compromising on perfection as long as the job is completed on time and we are faithful to our commitment.
Bob: As we work together, I want to make sure we get the job done well. As close to perfection as possible. I feel comfortable compromising on the deadline as long as the job is completed in very high quality and meets high standards.
And this is just the beginning! We wake up differently, go to sleep differently, clean differently, the list goes on and on. But that’s what makes us amazing together. And it’s the same with your kids, your parents, and your friends. You have something to offer others, but relationships work BEST when you know yourself, and then take time to get to appreciate and even love your differences!
When you are at rest with the truth of who you are, you will no longer have to let your differences overpower you.
Seven steps to peaceful communication
“Those who plan for peace are filled with joy” (Proverbs 12:20b)
Step one:
Know Their Communication Goals. Get into that other person’s heart, and learn empathy. That is, try and feel what they are feeling from their world view. Empathy is more natural for some than others, but anyone can learn to step out of their own stubborn and determined mindset and think through somebody else’s challenges and pain. I like to call empathy a super-power. Because it is THAT powerful.
Step two:
Map out your differences. You can usually guess what a person’s communication goal is by just knowing the simple definitions written out in our free ebook. Put your goals beside theirs, and map out the similarities, the differences, and check if you have any polarizing opposite goals.
Step three:
Don’t expect or insist that they be more like you. This is a rookie mistake. Pure frustration and the fruit of pride gets us in trouble. This is thinking you are better than them, and believe me, pride comes before the fall. Every single person is valuable and important, even the ones that are very very different than you.
Step four:
Learn and study the art of MERCY. We have both memorized and saturated our minds with the scripture in Colossians 3:12. “Clothe yourself with tenderhearted mercy. Be patient, gentle, kind, humble, make allowance for other people’s faults, for just as God has forgiven you, you are called to forgive others”.
Mercy makes room for other people’s differences. Mercy isn’t just something we try hard to have – it’s what we WEAR. It’s who we are, you can see what we are wearing from a mile away. We wear mercy. Mercy isn’t necessarily deserved, but we are generous with it anyway.
Step five:
Choose a secret mercy-marker. A reminder. In certain seasons, when I am spending time with someone who is clashing with me, I have a marker of some kind. This means I am in a covert operation, so I put a certain color of nail polish on, or mark my hand, or wear a special bracelet…I choose mercy. Bob puts a stone in his pocket as a reminder.
Step six:
As soon as there is an eruption, misunderstanding or awkwardness in the relationship, first, check yourself without any self-condemnation! Remember, this is our plan for peace. Think about your communication goal – what are you needing right now? What about the person you are with, what is their communication goal – what do you think they are needing right now? Finally, deal with any fear or agitation you many have - while remembering your Communication Mission Statement - and approach the other person for a relationship.
Step seven:
Initiate effective conversations that match the other person’s communication goal. You can look these up in your free ebook, The best way to make me feel loved…
As a liked person, the best way to make me feel loved is to respond to my friendliness by being friendly back. When you listen to me talk about my ideas and feelings, I feel extremely validated.
As a right person, you make me feel most loved by honoring my opinion. Be patient with me, and don’t give up on me. Recognize my work well done, and let me return the favor by letting me know what I can do for you.
As a control person, I feel most loved when someone gives me recognition. I love it when people make a big deal of what I have accomplished. And I’m very grateful when people accept me with all my drive and determination, they see value in what I do.
As a safe person, I feel most loved when someone recognizes my dependability and appreciates me. I don’t like big surprises, so I need the people I love to understand that I prefer things in places with clearly defined boundaries. I’m not trying to be difficult, I just need more structure than others.
Applying the Plan of Peace
Applying the Plan of peace can be learned and practiced. But you will find that where you once had conflict, when you apply the plan of peace, these areas of your relationship become our greatest strength. You can start pursuing your relationships today, even if the other person isn’t even aware! May you receive God’s wisdom and strength as you lay down your right to be right, and invest your life as one characterized by mercy. I pray that you will be reminded of God’s friendship and love for you as you make love your motivation and highest goal.
This is the perfect day to invest in loving others. Why not? Let’s make today a great day!
Download your free ebook here.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 30 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.