How fear plays into communication
Having a confident understanding of your “personal communication goals” sheds so much light on every relationship! A common question that readers ask is, “What if I’m different when I’m with my spouse than I am with everyone else? Which goal is my true authentic self?” We ask you to base your results on how you are with the majority of your relationships, not just the person closest to you. Another method of exploring your goals is thinking back about when you were a child, and what was most important to you.
As a review of our last several blog posts, here are the four communication goals that we ask you to place in your order of importance. When it comes to communication, how do you want to feel?
I want to feel right
I want to feel like
I want to feel in control
I want to feel safe
The reason we may “change goals” with someone close to us, is because the damage has been done, and you no longer give that person your best. After countless disappointments, and in some cases betrayal, indifference can overshadow your goals, and part of you settles and gives up on trying to truly feel loved and understood. So the tendency at this point is to receive validation from other friendships and relationships. This is when marriages become more like a “roommates” vibe because there is no longer the vulnerability and intimacy in the relationship.
It’s time to experience a breakthrough when it comes to understanding yourself, and the ones you love the most - so that deep and meaningful intimacy can be protected, and in some cases, revived. We emphasize and prioritize understanding because what we don’t understand, we don’t value - and what we don’t value, we won’t grow and we will eventually lose our influence. It’s essential to grow in maturity and establish authority in love. One of the most powerful effects of walking in perfect love is that it expels fear. Fear has the potential to twist our communication more than anything else!
Step 1: Recognize the fear within your Goal
Bob: As a “right” person, my greatest fear is making a mistake. When I make a poor decision or I look back and see that my attitudes have alienated or even hurt others, it’s hard for me to forgive myself and get back up. I can also be sensitive to criticism and I work to prove my abilities. So I spend a lot of time and energy being accurate and correct.
Audrey: As a “liked” person, my greatest fear is being unhappy and not chosen. As a result, I go out of my way to have fun and enjoy feeling accepted and likable. I fear missing out on something and being a disappointment to those I love.
Bob: As an “in control” person, my greatest fear is failing, and not being the best. I can tend to get suspicious and fear being taken advantage of. That’s why I like to be my own boss, so I can control things and do things on my own terms.
Audrey: A “safe” person fears change and fears that someone will take advantage of their honesty and vulnerability and use it against them. They also fear social settings that are especially vulnerable, awkward and uncomfortable. They fear being abandoned and left alone.
The bottom line is simply this: When fear enters, it will want to control. Period. Fear always controls. When fear dominates it will cause you to be a user of your relationships. Fear also paralyzes and blocks us from honestly connecting with others. So let’s make it our goal to eradicate fear in every way possible!
Step 2: Conquer the fear within your Goal
Decide not to Control, but rather trust.
You will never change the other person, and you can’t control them, fix them, or improve them. But the one thing you do control is your thoughts and choices. Your Power key is trusting God to love the people around you and heal their hearts. This allows them to take their own journeys apart from your passive-aggressive tactics.
Decide not to conform, but rather be the best you.
Fear will tell you that you should be the same as another person and sacrifice your strengths and even sacrifice your own identity, but you were made perfectly in the design God planned for you. So your power key is to be the best you.
Decide not to criticize, but rather cherish.
Sometimes having opposite communication goals with those around you can even be embarrassing! But instead of criticizing the ones you love who have different goals than yourself, choose to cherish that person, and cherish that relationship. Your power key is to CHERISH.
Decide not to Compete, but rather Serve with humility.
If you feel like you’re competing, and giving more than the other person is giving, and sacrificing more, you will become needy and unattractive. If someone you love isn’t meeting your needs, or not being sensitive to your longings, you can ask to get your needs met without being unkind, and without complaining. Complaining is not attractive! Serve others, not for validation but just serve because you love serving and you love your family. When you love, you can’t lose! Your power key is to serve with humility.
Love never fails. Using these keys will always lead you to a future of hope, rest and safety. To Conquer is a battle term, and it is filled with feelings of determination. This battle takes place in your mind. Putting off the old - all fear, doubt, and unbelief while consciously Putting On faith, hope and love will align you with the truth about yourself, as you renew your mind with these power keys. They are powerful beliefs for all your relationships.
Step 3: Expel the fear within your Goal
Perfect love expels all fear. As much you wish that your love and determination was strong enough to heal that one you love, and heal your relationship, God makes it clear that He is the one who heals broken hearts.
This isn’t the part where you battle, step three is much more about receiving God’s love. Being a high achiever is being a high receiver. Your capacity to receive God’s unconditional love, and to allow His mercy to saturate you is the truth that will transform your life.
Can you recall moments when you just felt loved? It’s like love simply landed. Exactly where you needed it most. How did that happen? Those are moments when you were loved accurately. Nobody is exactly like another person when it comes to feeling loved. Like a target with a bullseye, every person has a unique way that they receive and experience extreme love.
Now that you know your communication goal, you can get a better idea of what you need and how you will experience your need getting satisfied in love. There’s no one better at loving you than God. He created you, He knows you better than you know yourself and He has made a way for you to find Him.
This is how God feels about you
For those of you who want to feel liked, God says to you - I made you with a desire for joy-filled relationships. Don’t try and apologize or deny yourself of this. It’s my greatest joy to bless you with rich times with people you love. I love it when you let loose and forget about what people think about you. Don’t try and be like anyone else...that would be sad.
Some people have labeled you as shallow, unstable and insincere but I know better. I know your heart in the deepest place. Keep inviting me to each day, I will teach you the ways of wisdom, unmovable strength and radical truth-telling. You can take a deep breath and stop worrying about whether you’re good enough for me. You are my pleasure and never a disappointment to me.
For those of you who want to feel right, God says to you - I made you with a desire for justice and making love the highest goal. I need you to stop being so hard on yourself when you make a mistake. I’m not going to reject you, I will always pick you up, dust you off and put you back on the best path for your life. I love it when you let me be your Father. You remind me so much of myself.
Some people have labeled you as opinionated, calculated and serious, but I know better. I know your heart and I cherish each tear you shed from the deepest part of you. Continue acknowledging me in all your ways for I am directing your path and filling our life with so much joy. I see your love for people, your loyalty and how much you enjoy those times when you can kick back and laugh. I take great pleasure in bringing a smile to your face.
For those of you who want to feel in control, God says to you - I made you with a desire for solving problems. Don’t try to downplay this skill. It is my joy to bless you with leadership opportunities, new ideas, and ore projects. I love it when you strategize, bring direction. Don’t worry about being bossy, as my love is perfected in you, your cloak of humility will be your greatest strength.
Some people label you like a bulldozer, just determined to get your own way and get things done, but I know better. I know your heart in the deepest way. Keep surrendering to the Holy Spirit each day, inviting my gentleness and patience to counteract your independence. My kingdom is at your right hand, therefore it is within reach.
For those of you who want to feel safe, God says to you - I made you with a desire for security and I love how content you are. I have ordered my angels to stand guard over you wherever you go. If you stumble, they will catch you because it is their job to keep you from harm You can hang on to me with everything you have. I can and will get you out of any trouble. You receive the best possible care for the details of our life when you rest and trust me completely.
Some people label you as slow-moving, over-protective, too careful and even unmotivated, but I know better. I know how precious you are, and I understand your heart like no one else because I created you. As you cultivate your faithfulness to know me, I will lead you to breakthrough, increase, confidence and victory without delay!
There is nothing impossible for God. As you believe the truth about how loved you are, nobody can take that away from you. He is your best friend, He will never betray you or leave you, even for a moment He is faithful, loyal and full of mercy. Because God loves you and created you, your best days are ahead!
Hear more about this topic on Episode 31 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.