Pt. 8 Leveling Up - The Clear Path to Sweet Resolve

Leveling Up #23

Mutual Respect is attainable - even in disagreements! 

Have you ever noticed the tension that happens when a decision needs to be made, but you’re simply not on the same page? Left to default, you’ll either avoid the decision altogether, or one will bulldoze the other’s opinion and overpower their right to have a say. Neither of these is an empowering option!

We have noticed that disagreement often results in disrespect, paralyzing progress with moving on in life, and damaging the feeling of partnership and connection. So, is mutual respect attainable even in disagreement? We say yes! 

Conversation script:  

Are you ready to be the initiator? Here is our practical advice: 

#1: STATE THE DESIRE

“I would love to have the resolve and make a decision about _______”

#2 ASK: “WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS?”

This step is so important. Typically, the initiator sabotages the direction of the conversation right at the beginning. However, when you “ask and listen” before you impose your ideas, opinions, and conclusions, you are creating an important space for the other to feel valued. This helps elevate defensiveness and elevated emotions.  

#3 GO DEEPER: “TELL ME MORE”

Instead of listening to the first layer, invite more conversation. It’s incredible what comes out in conversations if the initiator continues to listen, and then continues to inquire. Understanding is nurtured, and the one speaking feels more and more heard.  

#4 “DO YOU HAVE ANY FEARS ABOUT THIS?”

It takes vulnerability and trust to get to this layer in the conversations, so it may not happen every time, and it depends on the topic of the decision you are making, but we encourage people to give a voice to fear. It’s the best way to invite love that will expel the fear and lessen its power.  

#5 AGREEMENT

Instead of what we don’t agree on, let’s remember what we do agree on! Getting to a conclusion or a resolution regarding this decision isn’t a competition, and it’s not about who wins. We are traveling down the same road, side by side, and we are valuing each other in the process. 

#6 MAKE THE DECISION ABOUT THE FEELING

Instead of making it a logistical decision, start with how you want to feel. In this decision, I would love to feel _______. Now, it’s time for the other person in the conversation to speak. In this decision, I would love to feel _________. This makes space for you to feel each other’s hearts and connect.

#7 MOVING FORWARD WITH PEACE

If we don’t feel mutual peace about plan A or plan B - let’s believe, pray for and find plan C or D, etc. After following this strategy, you will choose actions that give the best and most loving outcomes for all involved. You are different, and you both have valuable and worthwhile contributions. This is mutual respect.  

Leveling Up #24

Believing the best - eradicates the “labeling” 

We crave warmth and connection in all of our close relationships, but when it doesn’t happen, and it’s happening again and again, we start pre-judging, and then we “decide” someone is a “certain way” and “they always will be”. This is dangerous because it develops a permanent lens, like a pair of “judgment glasses” that skews our perceptions, affecting our expectations.  

Judgment creates Labeling 

Labeling leads to Presumptions 

Presumptions result in Pushback

Continued pushback fosters underlying BITTERNESS

“I’m bitter because he labels me as unaffectionate and scary. Now it doesn’t matter how hard I try, he’s decided that’s who I am.” 

I’m bitter because she labels me as aggressive and lawyer-y. Even when I try my best, she’s decided that’s who I am. I’m trapped in her perception of me.” 

By the time bitterness sets in, criticism and correction become a continuum. “How could you have….” “Well, you should have…..” The bitterness slowly erodes the warmth, love, and affection that keep a relationship vibrant and connected.

How do you nurture a culture of acceptance? As with anything, it starts with YOU. Take personal responsibility. Notice that you put the judgment glasses on. If you feel it’s necessary, have a conversation with the one you’ve judged. Apologizing doesn’t always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right, it means you value your relationship more than your ego.

Leveling Up #25

You’ve got the power to SET the mood

Most people are affected by others’ moods. People are moody and you’ve got to get used to living with people! So what’s the trick? Be the one to set the mood, and lovingly hold to your resolve of peace, joy, and a pleasant atmosphere.  

You are like a thermostat in your home. The more times you set the mood to positive agreements with “heaven on earth” the more you become trustworthy. Because trust is built with consistency. Consistent moods are the foundation of trust. 

Living this out in a practical way asks this question: “How can I be sensitive to your mood and validate you, without enabling you and going to that dark place with you? The answer is by being secure. Don’t make “their” mood about you. Don’t try to change their mood. Don’t impose your positivity. Don’t deviate from your own mood. Choose who YOU will be in this life.  

And if you’re in a bad mood walking in?  Try this: Hello, I love you. I had a challenging day. I’m getting better by the minute, but in the meantime, please don’t take my mood personally right now. My mood is on its way up, and I’m very grateful for your patience with me.” Clear is kind. Being upfront with gentleness leaves so much space for sweet resolve! 

Hear more about this on Episode 153 of the “All About Relationships” podcast with Bob and Audrey.