Our relationship feels stuck

Imagine a car stuck deep in wet mud. Tires are spinning and anything even close to the situation is getting messy. When relationships get to this state, exhaustion, and frustration are inevitable. Creating progress and moving forward is possible, but it’s time to stop “spinning your wheels” and try new solutions.

When you ask the wrong question, you won't get the answer you’re looking for. Asking the right questions can lead to wisdom and new beginnings.  

Wrong question: Who’s to blame for this mess?

Asking the blame question takes energy and results in friction. So many couples waste all their energy blaming, and the tires in the mud keep spinning, and the mud keeps flying.  

Right question: What can I do to move towards my spouse?

Develop the skill of “putting yourself in their head and heart”. If you were them, what would be your greatest challenge? What would be the most hurtful? What would be the thing you’re craving most? Don’t just skim over these questions, take time and intention. Truly answering these questions for your loved one, considering their personality, their background, and their fears will likely take 20 minutes of contemplation.  

Wrong question: Is there any chance of getting unstuck?

This question will lead you to the worst-case scenarios, and your situation will feel insurmountable. What are the chances? Is it worth my effort? Whether you believe there’s hope, or your situation is completely hopeless, you’re right. It’s your choice whether you want to focus on hope. 

Right question: What unresolved problem can I tackle?

Choose one unresolved problem that’s been hanging over your head, and think of something you can apologize for. Of course, there are two sides, and you dream that “they’ll” apologize, but imagine this problem solved. Is it worth being right? Laying down your right to be right is a great first step.  

Wrong question: Will you ever understand me?

Your differences have the potential to divide. Understanding another person is one of the greatest challenges, and yet seeking to understand another is the first step. In our selfishness, we want to be understood, and yet our greatest quest is to understand the other. It is in that place that you feel fulfilled and find secrets to peace and joy.

Right question: What dream could we agree on?

Dream together about your future. Finding one dream is a great start to moving forward. Involve your imagination and you will build anticipation. No dream is too small!  

Hear more about this topic on Episode 91 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.