Is marriage supposed to be hard?
What is your abiding thought and opinion about marriage? On one end of the pendulum, realists will say that marriage is challenging and has the potential to make life difficult. The decision to embark on the endeavor risks a lifetime of hard work. As much as we agree about marriage taking intention and continual choices to serve and prefer the other, the rewards far outweigh the sacrifice and your very belief system might be sabotaging your ability to enjoy the ride!
If you have been taught that “marriage is hard” there is a very good chance that you are experiencing that self-fulfilling prophecy. At your core, you have beliefs that direct your life. Whether good or bad, empowering or disempowering, your subconscious has been programmed with opinions and experiences and it is validated with layers of evidence. You will continue to get more of what you already have, simply because your beliefs have brought you to where you are.
As a computer is manufactured, there is a hard drive that is programmed in that works as a template or a grid, and once that is in place, computers can handle massive amounts of information. We are not robots! But we are like computers in the way that we are coded and we function from our hard drive, otherwise known as our core beliefs.
We would love to present the idea to you that marriage is beautiful. Marriage carries the potential to be the most intimately harmonious expression of friendship, love, and partnership. If below the surface of your consciousness your core beliefs disagree, you will eventually reject the idea of bliss and attract more hardship, brokenness, and pain. “You are not programmed to believe such good news, therefore you cannot receive this download”.
The good news, the amazing news is that you can reprogram your belief system. We want to journey with you towards marriage being beautiful, kind, and safe.
Step one: Refuse to blame
Remaining angry at your source code and “poor programming” isn’t gonna change it! Being mad at the people or the situations that have set you up for failure - that won’t change anything!
Send away the offenses of the past.
The people who have taught you that marriage is hard
The past relationships that have broken your heart
The spouse that continues to damage you with words or actions
Step two: Articulate the dream of who you are
Three important questions:
Who will I be in this relationship? (develop a character sketch - you can choose!)
Who will I be on the path of restoration? (your personal mission statement)
Do I have the ability to have a healthy relationship? (what you say with intention comes to pass)
Step three: Make the decision
Take inventory of what you DO have rather than what you DONT have. Transformation starts with a vision, a dream, and a desire! Truth is, you are very different from a computer. You can dream. Imagine. Wonder.
You desire to love and be loved. God programmed and desired you that way.
Step four: Create an experience
Re-program your source code – the beliefs of your heart – to line up with the truth.
It’s not a one-time-use formula, it’s a life-long ride full of adventure, twists, and turns.
Just like remembering a favorite moment creates the experience all over again, you can create experiences whenever you choose with your imagination. It’s not a fantasy, as long as it’s grounded in God’s promises.
Involve faith by seeing the end from the beginning. Create movies! Ask God how he feels about you! Develop your worth based completely on what God says. He is your source for feeling accepted and celebrated!
Practice being kind in the face of adversity. Create movies and practice real-life scenarios! Your heart doesn’t know the difference between invisible and real-life. Practice being calm in times of reactive conversation.
Notice your responses. You can’t change what you don’t notice! Notice the words that come out of your mouth, for out of the abundance of your heart, the mouth speaks.
Design your Mercy Markers. These are physical-tangible reminders that might be a screenshot on your phone or 3x5 cards around the house, but turn up the truth and bring emphasis to your empowering beliefs.
I am a kind person, therefore my marriage is full of kindness!
I am a gentle person, therefore my marriage is full of gentleness!
I am a joyful person, therefore my marriage is full of joy!
I am a wise person, therefore my marriage is stable and sound
I am a peaceful person, therefore my marriage is peaceful.
Proverbs says:
Can you bridle your tongue when your heart is under pressure?
That’s how you show that you are wise.
An understanding heart keeps you cool, calm and collected,
no matter what you’re facing.
(Proverbs 17:27)
Your investment in yourself automatically invests beauty and life into your relationships. You can diffuse a harsh word quickly. Your words are so powerful that they will kill or give life, and nothing is more appealing than speaking beautiful, life-giving words. For they release sweetness to our souls and inner healing to our spirits.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 51 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.