"I'm just being honest"
Cruel words in the name of “just being honest” are not okay. Are your actions and words telling your spouse and loved ones, “You’re not enough”? Following the map of unconditional love can result in finding paradise, even if it’s just for you.
Love shows mercy
We come across couples who feel like they’ve lost their zeal for the relationship and wish the other person would be “more”. More understanding, more empathetic, more vocal, more responsive, more responsible, more aware, and the list could go on and on and on. Is it possible for people to change?
Short answer: Yes. In fact, Absolutely. Long answer: They may learn to behave to follow your standards in certain areas, making them “trained” in what’s important to you. However, they may have adjusted for the sole purpose to love you, not because it’s important to them. But that kind of change is simply being “loving” and it’s a beautiful component to any relationship. You can have loving interactions that even include a request for change when kindness prevails.
Love Considers
Considering what’s important to the other, is what scripture says is the “opposite” of selfishness.* As much as this is my heart and intention towards my husband, I fall short. I don’t always shut doors to the outside, or remember to turn off lights, use a cutting board or even flush the toilet every single time. This might sound strange or unfathomable and irresponsible, but for some reason, I don’t notice when I miss it - it’s just as much a mystery to me! Bob is aware and conscious of the condition of the countertops and electric bill and knows that “not taking care” of the details will cost us in the long run. I highly appreciate this about him! I value and am acutely aware of hope, positive attitudes, joy, ambition in business, and time-management, but that’s because those things are continually important to me. I am so grateful for how Bob has prioritized these in his own life and prioritized what makes me feel safe, just because he loves me!
Our differences in what we value and the feeling that the other is neglecting our standards do not give us a free pass to be cruel to the other. For the “sake of being honest,” we have seen couples use mean words, call each other names, and tell each other “what they really think”. One could argue: Isn’t this just telling the truth? Ah, maybe, but not always wise. When a spouse falls short, or maybe you’re even disgusted with their behavior, there is never grounds to accuse, criticize, complain, or withhold. Rather, this is the perfect time to have merciful and loving conversations that may be difficult but lead to choosing unconditional love. Gentle and kind words go a long way in nurturing transformation and mutual understanding in a relationship.
Love is Kind
Once a word is spoken out loud, such as “I don’t find you attractive anymore” or “I’m disgusted by you” it’s planted as a seed into the garden of your relationship. This thought is a seed that is so extreme, it’s difficult to root it out and rid it from your future. That’s not to say it’s impossible, it’s just more challenging because it’s been said: “out loud”. When a thought comes to mind, it’s a temptation to give it a voice, but not always necessary. Again, one could argue, “But wait, isn’t that just being truthful and vulnerable? Don’t you need to know what you’re dealing with?” Yes, it’s important, to be honest with your own heart, and possibly untangle these thoughts and emotions with a trusted third person, but it can be detrimental if used against your spouse.
Unconditional and True love
Covers the mishaps and failings of the other and not easily angered.
Gives 100% Acceptance even if they don’t always approve
It offers space to be imperfect and keeps no record of wrongs.
Patiently works through disagreements with kindness and gentleness
Is never self-seeking and fixated on what they can get.
Can I love too much?
One girl recently reached out to me asking, “ I have a question that may sound dumb, but can a spouse love their spouse more than the other? Yesterday I had a thought, does he love me as I love him? Am I selfish in thinking that I love him so much and want to fight for our restoration (he betrayed me) but he’s just not a very expressive or responsive personality, so I’m doing more than him?”
The expression of our love can be so different from each other. It can make it “feel” like one loves each other more. Love is one of those things we are tempted to “measure”, but it is actually not possible. When it comes to love, everyone can feel delighted in “giving love to the other” without expecting in return...for that is true love.
The Return on your Investment
When you love unconditionally, you can’t lose. When you make room for offenses, have the patience that sometimes feels undeserved, you get to “feel” joy and peace despite the situation!
Fueling negative emotions draws you into suffering while investing in seeds of compassion and mercy draws you into paradise. That’s why this is your choice.
I know people who have chosen to love their spouse through prison, neglect, and injustice. Was it their obligation? I hope not, for when we remove obligation we are given the blissful freedom of choosing love just for the sake of love. Again, love cannot be measured, nor should measuring love ever be attempted. This is the kind of love that is intriguing and sometimes even offensive to some, yet it is the love that conquers all.
Today, enjoy the rewards of true love and most importantly, remember that this is the kind of love that God offers you. Every minute of every day. Unfathomable! Yet I will receive it!
Hear more about this topic on Episode 50 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.
Look at how much encouragement you’ve found in your relationship with the Anointed One! You are filled to overflowing with his comforting love. You have experienced a deepening friendship with the Holy Spirit and have felt his tender affection and mercy.
So I’m asking you, my friends, that you be joined together in perfect unity—with one heart, one passion, and united in one love. Walk together with one harmonious purpose and you will fill my heart with unbounded joy.
Be free from pride-filled opinions, for they will only harm your cherished unity. Don’t allow self-promotion to hide in your hearts, but in authentic humility put others first and view others as more important than yourselves. Abandon every display of selfishness. Possess a greater concern for what matters to others instead of your own interests. And consider the example that Jesus, the Anointed One, has set before us. Let his mindset become your motivation.
Philippians 2:1-5
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love never fails.