Are you feeling oversensitive?
If you are feeling oversensitive, unsupported or misunderstood, it’s likely that deep down, you’re really scared, and not being loved where you need it the most. Everyone has “fear buttons”, but they go unnoticed when things are going well in the relationship. We call these “core fears” and we love helping people find the love they need to courageously conquer their fears.
The truth is, the core fears that set us off have always been there. They could be seen as the “weak links” of our chain. They are present when our marriage is going well, during our engagement and even when we began dating. But when our buttons got pushed in those early days, we didn’t normally respond in problematic ways. And even if we did cope in an unhealthy fashion, our partner’s rose-colored lenses made our unpleasant response seem not quite as negative or overwhelming. However, those unhealthy coping mechanisms, over time, will lead straight to buried pain and unresolved conflict.
Couples who come to Phoenix for our private 3-Day Marriage Intensive usually get a big surprise when we help them map their fear dance. Within a couple of hours, we sketch out on the whiteboard how their fears are playing off of each other creating an all too familiar cycle of conflict and pain.
We all react when core fears get triggered. We attempt to avoid re-experiencing as adults what we found too painful, scary, or overwhelming as children. We instinctively protect ourselves with reactions like arguing or walking away. Reactive behaviors help us feel more in control. Instead of letting ourselves feel the emotional pain resulting from a distressing incident, a reactive feeling momentarily helps us feel big and righteous rather than small and powerless
Some of the ways most people cope with your buttons and triggers are problematic. A core fear promotes an unconscious state of extreme vigilance. You want to protect yourself! You become hypersensitive to cues and notions that a feared event may be about to happen again. Your perception gets distorted; it becomes biased toward noticing even the tiniest similarity to past events (trauma), thus increasing the likelihood that your survival alarm will soon be ringing.
Discovering and Identifying our core fears has been one of the most effective ways to understand each other, and ultimately love each other. On a personal note, we are extremely different in the deepest part of our being. What triggers one of us, is absolute “no big deal” to the other, so it’s easy to be dismissive, bring logic, and resort to saying, “You’re being ridiculous”. For the person who feels unsafe, that never helps!
Here are examples of core fears that get triggered in adult relationships.
Fear of being abandoned: You fear your partner might leave. You feel that your partner doesn’t need you as much as you need him or her.
Fear of being unimportant or invisible: You fear you are not as important to your partner as other things or people, or that you don’t really matter.
Fear of being rejected: You have trouble feeling accepted or valued just the way you are. You fear that you, or your needs, will be rejected.
Fear of being inadequate or a failure: Complaints or criticisms trigger fears that you are not good enough, that you are inadequate or unlovable.
Fear of being blamed: You fear being seen as wrong or as the cause of relationship upsets, so you either defend yourself or shut down in the face of negative feedback.
Fear of being controlled: You fear to feel weak or vulnerable. You instinctively try to be in charge or control of any situation.
Fear of being trapped or suffocated: You fear intrusion, losing yourself, or being consumed by others. You become uncomfortable with others’ expectations or too much closeness.
The ultimate problem when our fears are driving the dance is that it breeds co-dependency. The Fear Dance causes us to believe (wrongly) that our spouse is both the problem and the solution. We find ourselves saying things like: “If he/she just didn’t attack me, I wouldn’t need to defend myself. If he/she would just calmly sit, and remind me of all the things that I do right, I wouldn’t get so upset.” When you see your spouse as both the problem and the solution, you become dependent upon him/her and dismiss any personal responsibility.
Perfect Love is the antidote for all fear. And thankfully, God’s love for you is never diminished by your actions. If you think God is angry with you and causing your problems, you’ll never let Him be the one who solves your problems. If you think He takes from you, you’ll never trust He’s the one who gives to you.
We recommend that you stay connected to God moment by moment. Talk to him about what’s most on your mind. Ask for what you need, and trust that He will provide what you truly need for that moment. As soon as you become aware of thoughts that are breeding fear, just admit it to Him and invite Him to love you.
God loves you accurately, where you need it the most. Receiving His love in your place of fear is a practice of daily surrender to His view and opinion of you.
When you experience God’s love, you can love those around you and show mercy when they’re scared. Don’t tease that person in their fear, or call them ridiculous, but instead say, “Hey, I want to love you where you’re afraid right now” and allow compassion and kindness to nurture your relationship.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 49 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.