I don’t want to be angry anymore

“I get so frustrated and I don’t know what to do with this surge of anger. Is there anything you can do to help me?”

Being together with a couple for a marriage intensive is an incredible experience as we unravel cycles of mistrust and create new beginnings full of safety and assurance. We want to offer you strategies based on the experience we get from being with people and couples who are walking through this journey and feeling disconnected from each other.

Many couples confess that they are hurting each other with angry words, harsh accusations, and stonewalling. Even though they want to be warm, loving, patient, and kind, their desperate moments feel like they’ve been injected with a needle of anger, and then they are imprisoned to its effects and are forced to let it run its course.

Why are you feeling angry? 

Maybe you feel desperately unheard, and not validated in your pain. If this is the case, deep down you are on a quest to establish your worth and your dignity.   

Maybe you were betrayed and abandoned, and not only was it “not fair”, but it was also an injustice to your humanity, there is an urge to punish because you feel undeserving of such rejection.

Maybe you are strikingly different than your spouse when it comes to strengths and personality type. When they are low-functioning, their behavior has a way of getting under your nerves, leaving you frustrated and impatient.

Behind every angry person is someone scared

Let’s talk about losing control when it comes to anger and frustration. Anger is a secondary emotion, which means underneath your frustration, you are likely feeling desperate, alone, disoriented, or impatient. Recognizing your true feeling behind the rage is an important step.  

The feelings come first, but when a person’s rage becomes behavior of acting out, it’s because it's either been repressed for a long time and explodes, or it is working for that person for manipulative purposes.  

“Emotional Freedom Technique” in the “middle of the rage”

What is the 911 action plan when you’re seething with frustration? Prepare a script for an “Emotional Freedom Technique” otherwise known as EFT. This is when you take your fingers and tap a meridian point on your body to interrupt the energy of negative emotions. This technique can abruptly end an emotional outburst and settle you down in an emergency. 

Your script should start with: 

“Even though I’m feeling _________________ (alone, misunderstood, etc) 

the truth is I am _______________ (loved, protected, surrounded by love, etc)

If you’re serious about getting help for anger, consider researching more about EFT and having a prepared script for a wave of anger or rage.   

Personal Development is the long-term solution

Either way, it has something to do with maturity. True restoration and recovery happen when the angry person chooses to take personal responsibility and develop their identity with intention and courage. We call this, “The Real Me”. Take time to write out the truth of who you are, and why you were born. Write out your script or sketch in the first person, make it positive, and make it present tense. Think about what is natural for you, and cancel out your challenges with God’s empowering promises. You’re never alone!

Focusing on your “Real Me” script trains your mind to think thoughts accordingly. With time, this becomes your default thoughts, and are no longer prone to buttons and triggers.  

Another way to resolve anger towards a particular person is to recognize that you are wearing a pair of “judgment glasses” and your lens towards them is skewed because of past offenses. When you resist wearing these glasses and choose to “see the best” and “believe the best” in this person, you will take ownership of your thought life and no longer be captive to negative emotions. It’s a process, but worth the intention!

Naming the Obstacle

When we are tempted towards anger as a couple, we recognize that there is an obstacle in front of us, and we are both overwhelmed. The disadvantage is that we tackle the obstacle from different strengths, and can lose patience and understanding for the other person, and their tactics.   

Knowing we are on the same team and naming that particular obstacle gives us the upper hand in our battle against frustration. Bottom line? We don’t want to have hard hearts toward each other. When we put up walls between us it erodes our personal quality of life. And that doesn’t work for us and doesn’t bring us to our dream of being a shelter for one another in our challenging times.  

Today, remember this is about you choosing for YOU. You create your personal abundance life from your infinite source, who is God Himself. He loves you in your painful places and is strong in the places you are weak. You are not alone, He understands and validates your pain, and He will give you wisdom through any storm. Anger is diffused when you are loved perfectly by Him.  

Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up.

1 Corinthians 13:7

Hear more about this topic on Episode 57 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.