How to stop the fight
If fighting is a problem in your relationship or marriage be sure to listen to episode #40 of our corresponding podcast.
Fighting is a very serious problem and I can’t encourage you enough to find the help you need to end the battle before any further harm is done.
First, you have to understand that you should not fight at all, with anyone. I don’t mean you should not disagree with others nor should you not feel passionate about your disagreements but fighting describes a set of behaviors that are very destructive to any relationship.
Where there is a fight, typically there is a “winner” and “loser”. You fight or push back because you have this sense of losing. You feel threatened, fearful and even scared. You easily identify anger, resistance, and defensiveness. You can often exaggerate facts when fighting or make “global” statements and judgments against the other person. None of this is productive, in fact, it is damaging and accomplishes nothing.
In the podcast, we ask the question “How satisfied are you?” When you’re living with unmet needs it’s surprising how they can provoke conflict in the relationship. What we all hope to experience is that secure sense of acceptance, warmth, affection and that genuine feeling that - you like me.
The number one cause of provoking conflict in a relationship is living with unmet needs. This is where I can choose to take personal responsibility and care for myself. Yes, in marriage we are each other's number one contributor but we can never be each other’s source of living satisfied.
Autonomy: “I’m still me.” In marriage, I don’t lose myself but rather grow in harmony with you. We are two distinctively different sounding voices that when harmonized create a song and melody that wouldn’t otherwise exist. Oneness in marriage is not sameness.
When you’ve lost your autonomy you’re feeling manipulated and controlled. Unhealthy communication results as you develop patterns of pulling away, avoiding or even isolating from each other.Competence: There is that need to feel good at what you do; creating a positive sense of significance and value.
You will look to find your place of competence. The danger of not living satisfied can result in you seeking to find this fulfillment in work, parenting, hobbies, etc. Tragically, if you’re looking to find it in your spouse you will eventually despise them. If left unattended you can develop scenarios of being criticized and dejected that will provoke feelings of shame and rejection.
When facing an argument realize this… both of you are aggravated and you are having a hard time noticing the needs of the other person. You may be experiencing a lot of anger and hurt but are you able to see behind the assault to someone who is scared? It’s far easier to love a scared person rather than an angry one.
How to better meet your spouse’s needs. Ask. And then notice how your unmet needs are affecting the relationship. Work to meet your partner’s needs and your own.
Bear in mind that unmet needs can affect us even if we're not aware of the frustrated need (just as exhausted toddlers who are having a melt-down will insist they're not tired). Then consider sharing these needs in a mutually supportive way, perhaps starting with a focus on your partner's needs to avoid the perception of competition.
Yes, you will each need to be expressive in identifying your needs with each other but don’t get into a “dueling match” of whose needs are greater. This is where you are mutually sharing to support the relationship while noticing the hurt that is being introduced. Otherwise, we can wind up in a stalemate of "I'm unhappy/So am I," with neither partner willing to reach across to connect.
When choosing to be curious about our partner’s needs and willing to share our own, we will create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 40 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.