Decisions better made together
“Behind every decision you make, is a value, something you believe is worth holding to that is now being advanced in some way by your choice of action.” - Bob Meisner
Your personal values are influenced by your upbringing, gender, personality, experiences, conscious choices and your emotional needs, fears, desires, and ambitions. While there are some ‘universal’ values, like the pursuit of being loved, living in peace, knowing the truth, however, the ‘value set’ that you carry is unique to you.
Don’t allow your differences to divide.
Early in our marriage, the differences we experienced were in large formulated by the unique cultures we were raised in. From the outside, we were a perfect match. Now 36 years married, we had no idea of how two perfectly flawed individuals have become so perfect one. Now more different than ever before but never so safe and at rest with each other.
Establishing shared key values in the foundation of our marriage became our safeguard in our decision making. Divorce was not an option. We chose debt-free living. Our shared value for children and family. Honor, to deliberately make what is important to one, important to both. Making love our aim and goal. One of the more recent key values is that we have chosen to always make decisions from a place of peace. Just to name a few.
Not every decision is made evident by evaluating the pros and cons. Those are the easy decision when you’re able to evaluate the comparative question that holds no human value. Hard choices are hard because there is, no best option. It’s puzzling when we attempt to place our unreflective presumptions on a value. So as a couple this is where conflict can arise as you attempt to express your differences of opinion. Placing justifiable reason or rational thought on value is near impossible as they are not at par with each other. The options in hard choices are difficult to evaluate as the benefit in one doesn’t necessarily make it better than the other. In the comparison of value is there a better, worst or equal option?
Now, before you can address your needed decision, It would serve you well to clarify your own values.
Remember this, it’s not about being Correct or Incorrect. Often times it’s simply that, we’re different and we have already decided that our differences are not allowed to divide us.
These following questions are designed to help you take ownership of what it is you desire.
What is it that I really do want? What will this decision, say about me?
Why is it important to you? Where does this value come from? Is there a personal narrative you feel compelled to fulfill? In other words, what are the underlying values? Every choice will have some benefit. Identify what good will come from doing it this way. It also helps to know the source of your value, for example, your family, past experiences, religious beliefs, fears, desires.
How strongly do you feel about this value? Rank on a scale of 0-10. Use descriptive words to indicate the importance of each value identified.
Once you have taken an honest look behind the emotions and have identified the value, you now have a better understanding of yourself and what is motivating you. You can share your values with each other and the final step is to find active ways to embrace your spouse’s most important values while honoring them as your own.