Help, I need to vent!
I received a text this morning from a very beautiful and desperate woman who is longing for her husband to give her some empathy and understanding rather than always defending the people who hurt her.
What do you do when you are feeling absolutely exasperated, frustrated, and utterly alone?
One woman recently commented, “Throughout our marriage whenever relational issues with others have popped up, I have tried to vent to my husband he has been dismissive and emotionally unavailable. He takes on the role of a fixer instead of simply empathizing with me about the situation.”
Another man just told us this: “I have asked her to see things through my point of view and she chooses not to see. She stubbornly chooses to see everyone else’s point of view which feels dismissive and belligerent.”
When hurt bottles up, it demands a release. So, is it okay to vent?
Let’s explore the pros and cons.
In many circumstances, habitual venting is a poor coping mechanism. It dives into negativity when you’re upset and is a poor way to treat your loved ones. Like dumping excess emotional baggage, it can cause further damage and develop a chasm between you and the other person.
We believe there is a wise way to release pressure through verbal processing. From a scripting point of view, here are some possible scripts that are calculated, wise and pre-meditated:
“I love you and I know you care about me. Because you care about me, I’m thinking you’ll want to know when I feel hurt or feel like something doesn’t feel fair. I’m telling you this because I want you and I love you.”
Then calmly, you can gently express what hurt you, and ask the other person if they are hurting about anything! Be ready to take ownership and apologize. It’s very common that if one person is hurting, the other one is often hurting as well. Without bottled-up emotions, this is an approach that evades an explosion and with patience, this can lead to a better communication connection.
EMPATHY: Here are some great questions to ask:
I can feel your hurt, can you tell me more? (then listen, be attentive)
I am so sorry that is happening to you. (Without offering advice to fix it)
Let me make sure I’m hearing right. Is the worst part ________?
I really care about you and hate to see you in pain. Is there something you can think of that I can do?
Can you give me more ideas of what I could do to make you feel safe?
Turn your venting into a prepared conversation of verbal processing can bring renewed understanding. Being partners, family and best friends together are when life feels best.