Fake hope is in fantasy, Real Hope is in Taking Initiative

Imagining life through a fairytale can make us crave that magic wand that will make our dreams come true. We all know that we live in the real world, but it’s important to keep hope alive and invest in your real dream. The simple definition of magic is simply “avoiding the process”. Is it okay to believe in an amazing relationship? Yes, as long as you’re pursuing your part in taking responsibility and resisting the temptation to put your spouse on your time schedule.

But what if they know what to do and they’re not doing it?

Likely they are fighting through resistors, or need to do the deep heart work which is focusing on their belief system. To some extent, every single person struggles with deeply buried pain and core fears that are subconsciously affecting their reactions and responses within relationship needs. Most people have never unpackaged these triggers and wonder why life is such hard work. Feeling loved, valued and worthy of life and love and reward yourself is the journey to walking in love and loving others.

How do I get him or her to do the “heart work”?You can inspire your spouse by being open and transparent about your own heart work, but you can’t rush this journey in another person. You can’t control their will. It’s impossible to do heart work for someone else, and they have to really really want to do it. Giving your spouse the gift of patience and mercy and refusing to control their process? It might not be magic, but it miraculously changes the atmosphere in your home! And it’s something you can do today.

How do I live with a sub-standard relationship in the meantime?

You grow up. This is how you grow up: You take the reins off and stop controlling your spouse, otherwise, you are living in perpetual disappointment. You ask yourself the hard questions instead of imposing them on your spouse.

I think most little girls want their perfect prince charming but mature women understand relationships exist in the real world, and in the real world, everyone has idiosyncrasies including real-life princes. Are you wanting fantasy, or actually wanting a real and rewarding relationship where you partner together through your differences and love each other unconditionally?

When you are grading your spouse, like he’s in school, or being a police-person to your spouse ready with your ticket pad, you are not ready for a true, real and safe relationship. In fact, you may be isolating yourself from a real relationship by putting barriers in the way, being extreme expectations and blaming it on your spouse.

The word unconditional love is real. Will you love your spouse just the way he is?

Is he or she enough? Or will you perpetuate constant disappointment to their soul? Being intentional about your relationship is not spending your days trying to identify what your spouse is doing wrong, or being suspicious of their motives, or guessing their intentions or even abilities. Bringing attention to these questions and unrealistic expectations is like watering a seed of discontentment. And it will eventually grow a huge tree of division!

Ask Yourself the Productive Questions

Where have I deep-down wished my spouse would be my source? How often do I think about them not meeting my needs? It’s not anyone’s responsibility to make their spouse live happily ever after. Happily ever after is when both spouses work together towards love and respect and help each other fulfill each other’s dreams. If one spouse isn’t happy, it’s not automatically the other one’s fault.

Walking in love means living with intention - choosing healthy, supportive words and actions that can give the other the breathing room to step up for themselves and make their own healthy choices. Anticipating and taking initiative on problems can build trust, appreciation, and respect. As I grow up in my relationship I can communicate my needs in a way that isn’t attacking, and bring reassurance and unconditional love at the same time.

Get Back to Your Original Dream

Love each other without judgment

Appreciates them for who they are

Respects their unique feelings and fears

Feel passion to share emotional, physical, intellectual, and spiritual intimacy on many levels

In itself, that is a fairly tall order as far as dreams go - but worth every second of effort! And dying to self! There is a ton of work needed to make that dream come true. Ongoing, consistent “heart work” which means getting to your belief systems and allowing God to love you and walk with you through each day. Receiving His mercy in your weakness and finding rest in the depths of your soul. ANYONE who aspires to be his best and takes responsibility for his own actions will have a stronger relationship for it.

Many husbands and wives give up on trying to make that dream come true and replace it with new dreams – easier dreams. The new dreams become focused on things like money, career success, vacations, lifestyle, children, social status, and personal hobbies. If any ONE component of the original dream is suffering, the new dreams suffer as well.

Arguing, resentment, complaining, criticism, belittling, and personal attacks are all a part of the new dreams. Neither partner can understand or admit that it is the decay of their ORIGINAL dream that has brought them here. It is these feelings and behaviors that destroy the desire to support each other’s personal dreams of personal growth, variety, significance, and contribution in their lives.

Let’s begin to speak and act in ways that rebuild the foundation for your original dream! It’s not built on fantasy or magic wands or being married to prince charming or the perfect princess, but the joy and peace in God’s Kingdom are absolutely real when we follow His ways of unconditional love.

Great Marriages Start Here - the first five classes have everything to do with personal responsibility.