I want progess!
Desiring headway in the quality of your relationship is admirable. What happens when you’ve been waiting a long time to move forward and you can’t get the other person to do their part? What if you’re doing everything you can think of yourself to enrich your life together and the other person doesn’t seem to be making an effort? These scenarios can become frustrating. Becoming desperate in the lack of progress can lead to fixation and an unhealthy attachment to measurement and control and can sabotage true connection. So what do you do?
We get it. And we have seen it a thousand times. One person in the couple is “all in” and desperately trying their best to make the relationship work. Before we dive deep into that scenario, let’s take note of true progress and what it looks like.
10 Indicators of Great Progress as a Couple
We trust each other
We are our “real and authentic selves” when we’re together
We encourage and cheer each other on
We laugh easily together
“It’s about us” not just “me” - We are selfless and I consider the other
We accept each other’s flaws and differences
We pay attention to small details
We know how the other measures progress, and how they tick!
We leave the past behind (but still honor it)
We see a future together
What sweet scenarios! The couple who is developing and advancing together seems like a dream come true! When you have learned the art of negotiation and both choose mercy for each other, there won’t be explosions or reactions, but rather responses that aren’t spoken with negative emotion. To get here, you both have to be active listeners and make it a very high priority to understand the other in a way that is full of selfless giving, while staying true to your authentic personality.
Does it sound impossible? It isn’t. But let’s get back to the frustrated spouse that feels like they’re really working at this, and not getting the kind of response they should expect. Doesn’t anyone notice and see how much intention they are putting into this? In some cases, for years and years?
If you’re “that” person in the couple, our hearts go out to you, because exhaustion and desperation seem to be your closest friends. But let us help you out of your trap. After extreme effort and “no results” you can get fixated. After a while, all you can see is the lack of progress. It forms an unhealthy attachment to “measured progress” which tethers you to control. Have you ever experienced a dog that is fixated? We have! Our Labradoodle is one of the most behaved dogs in the world, but every once in a while he gets fixated on something, and there is no way he can hear you. His ears close up, his awareness of you is literally gone, and he can only see one thing. Yell his name, give a screeching whistle, nothing can break the spell.
If you are under the “spell” of progress you may be sabotaging your ability to truly connect to your spouse’s heart and life. Your frustration has formed unspoken tests for them, just seeing how much they will ignore your pleas for progress. In your love, you just want to get your relationship fixed, but their lack of interest has forced you to impose your agenda on their life!
Don’t be deceived my friend, they can “feel” it. In your gallant efforts, you are actually pushing them further and further away. They start to feel like “just another thing on your list, so you can tick off your boxes”. Your fixation has turned them into a project, imploring them to improve, even if the words are never spoken out loud.
Here’s how we can help:
Identify your fixation. Look in the mirror, so to speak and call yourself on what you've been doing. You can’t change what you don’t notice. So, simply notice what you’ve been doing!
Know your source. Talk to God about your limitation to be patient any longer, and your lack of knowing the next strategic step. Then let God love you and give you every feeling of success, progress, peace and advancement that you’ve been craving, even if your spouse never changes. Take a pair of scissors and break the unhealthy attachment that says “I won’t be happy until you’re nice to me, and you’re happy”. No, just be happy! No one can stop you!
Let God love you in your fears. I know it’s hard to be patient when you’re not receiving a lot of tenderness and accolades. But allow God to love you where you are the most afraid.
Find out how love really lands for your spouse. Maybe it starts by apologizing for the fixation. Start letting go of progress and instead of “improving” your spouse, just enjoy them for who they are! It’s like taking a vacation from the pressures of measurement.
On a personal note, we have experienced the ebb and flow of decline and expansion in our connection. We have felt them both, and we have taken turns being the one who “cares the most”. Experience has brought us to the understanding that “our” progress as a couple is in direct correlation to “my” progress as a person. A person who isn’t needy of the other, and one that is courageous to move forward despite lack of encouragement or being cheered on. Sometimes it’s just on you! And sometimes it takes years! But don’t lose heart, enjoy peace and joy in this journey and be brave in your approach to take new territory without fixating on reaching the destination. Stop and enjoy what you have.
Have you ever tried driving and kissing at the same time? If so, you didn’t give the kiss the true attention it deserved. On the same note, have you ever tried pushing for progress and deeply connecting at the same time? Give your spouse a break from moving forward and melt into the memory of when you first fell in love.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 45 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.