Ending Unproductive Conversations
We’ve all found ourselves in the middle of a ridiculous conversation where we are both defending our positions of rightness and then gaining momentum of determination and even aggression to make our point heard. These emotionally charged talks don’t usually get us what we had hoped for, and unless resolve is achieved, they make things worse.
What do you do when you’re stuck in disagreement, and nobody is winning? Let’s dive into the possibility of win-win and beautiful resolve when hot topics are brought to the surface.
Starting a conversation with the goal of finding justice isn’t the best place to start. If you’re feeling like there’s been a betrayal, or you want a sense of equilibrium where there has been someone trying harder than the other, being more responsible, or doing all the work, consider starting the conversation by finding agreement.
The strategy of finding agreement first gives space for your mutual dream to be magnified. If you manage to get to the big picture, it becomes obvious you both want the same thing. This is true for all relationships, especially close and loving relationships. For example, with a couple, you both want to raise children that are happy, secure, and responsible. There is no disagreement on what you want, but you have different ideas of how to get there.
When you witness your loved one doing things differently than you (which feels WRONG) it’s easy to interpret their words or actions as sabotaging the agreement. It feels as if they are neglecting what’s important, and destroying hope and suddenly your dream is threatened. Beneath the argument about who’s right, there’s a fear that your dream won’t be realized, and the unproductive conversation is more about that which turns into figuring out who’s more right. Two people insisting on being right, getting louder and more aggressive as time goes on is a recipe for disaster.
Here are some ways you can end (or prevent!) unproductive conversations.
Postpone persuasion tactics until you can summarize the other person’s point of view to their satisfaction.
Be aware to shut down any air of superiority. Talking down to each other is the fastest way to lose connection.
Develop a culture of appreciation vs. criticism. The critic is irritable and is looking for reasons to judge what’s wrong with the other.
Look for and pay attention to what’s working and what’s right rather than being obsessed with the other’s mistakes and the downfall of the relationship.
Refuse to start the conversation by mentioning a defect in the other person.
Bring deep resolve to past events, so that they don’t fuel power into an argument.
Don’t compare who’s more right, more responsible, or better at relationships.
Make hope your decision. Hopelessness about a problem is a bigger problem than the problem!
Hear more about this topic on Episode 137 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.