Conquering Independence
There are independent people and codependent people and they usually find each other! We tend to be in one of those camps - even if mildly, and knowing how this affects us under stress is an important lesson.
When stress enters, the independent gets overly independent and relies on their own strength. They don’t ask for help, they can get cold and distant, and it feels like “The great takeover”. If you’re suddenly living with someone who tends to be bossy and doesn’t include or involve those around them, there’s a good chance they are highly independent.
On the other end of the spectrum, the codependent one gets overly dependent and puts pressure on their loved one to make them feel safe and cherished. When stress hits, they tend to get clingy and smothering. If you’re living with someone who feels needy and can’t seem to manage their own emotions and end up blaming others or feeling sorry for themselves, there’s a good time they are overly dependent.
We all want to have a dream life, with dream relationships, a dream marriage, a dream set of kids, a dream bank account, a dream house, and dream health. The whole package. Most people focus on getting that dream, instead of giving attention to being the dream.
Sorting out our “inside life” and organizing our triggers and fears is what sets up for a life of peace. Knowing your tendency towards being either “overly independent” or “overly dependent” is a huge start in having the relationships of your dreams.
The Remedy for Both
Some disciples of Jesus were arguing about who was the greatest. Being a “big deal” seems to be a growing concern within our society vying for attention and influence. When they asked Jesus to choose who was the greatest, he pulled a little child from the crowd and said, “Unless you become like a child, you won’t enter the Kingdom.” (Paraphrased)
Unless an independent person allows God to be their ultimate source and becomes a dependent one, trusting in God, they won’t experience peace, joy, and ultimate success. Unless an overly dependent one quits trusting other people to be their source and receives the protective safety and provision of God for all their needs, they will always feel like they’re “not enough”. So what does it mean to become childlike?
Never lose your sense of wonder
Being an adult doesn't mean that fun and carefree moments are completely over. Can you remember playing in the dirt? Can you imagine yourself doing it today? Or, are you too busy dealing with, you know, ‘big people’ stuff to bother with the hidden wonders of the dirt.
When was the last time that you…
Created imaginary animals out of the clouds?
Counted the petals on a flower as you picked them off one by one?
Found something simple in God’s creation that just amazed you?
Why is it that as we get older, we lose that sense of wonder and simplicity about the way life is or at least the way life could be? Somehow the wear and tear of life seem to erode our childlike optimism and perspective. And we forget what it is to imagine.
Make some time this week to refresh yourself, as well as your family, by reminding them that you’re never too old to enjoy the wonder and innocence of being childlike.
Be expectant without acting entitled
Childlike expectations involve waiting for great things to happen in your life and being open to the unexpected while being happily dependent on God’s provision.
Experience joy at the moment
I experience joy, not because of the absence of a challenge but because of complete dedication to the present.
Accept (and embrace) others
Kids tend to accept and embrace others using concepts like mercy, welcoming and liking everyone, or by merit, such as how others treat their friends and neighbours and whether they play fairly.
Let other people help you without feeling diminished
Allow yourself to rely on other people while letting others rely on you, without being codependent. Needing others doesn’t diminish your value. Gladly supporting your friends is a childlike trait as camaraderie and candour are more important than pride and pretense.
Ageing is inevitable, but if you nurture a childlike heart, you will never grow old.