Be the change in your relationships
Beginning Steps to end Toxic Relational Patterns
All relationships have challenges that require both sides to mature and change. Usually, one person tries while the other resists, seldom do change happen simultaneously. However (and this is the good news!) you always have the choice to be the one who chooses life and love!
It is simply not possible to change or to heal others against their will, as it is not possible to ‘control’ what the other thinks and feels. Taking personal responsibility to find healing for yourself literally changes the atmosphere and dynamic of the relationship, and doesn’t require “waiting” for the other person to change!
Why do we stay in our patterns?
We keep protecting ourselves.
We understand - what you’re moving towards and hoping to create is a love connection. Your dream is a place where each partner feels safe. However, until this is established we subconsciously erect a wall of resistance as a protective strategy.
At a very deep level, we are all motivated by our perception and anticipation of pain and pleasure. We are created to avoid pain and move toward pleasure. If we do not believe God can bless our marriage regardless of how it started or where it is at this moment, we will anticipate pain which will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. And we will continue to feel unsafe and insecure. However, we will face pain for the hope of pleasure. When we accept God’s forgiveness and mercy for our past we can tap into His grace for our future and have an incredible marriage.
What can I do?
Your full commitment of 100% is required to take the needed steps to restore your own inner sense of emotional safety in relation to the other. The question then becomes, how can I proactively disengage from old patterns of thinking? How can I dislodge my protective strategies? The answer lies in identifying the limiting fear in your own heart. When love expels fear, you will no longer activate these survival practices.
Take the Step and Accept the Facts:
Healing your own heart is prerequisite to finding the harmony in relationships that seem to be eluding you
You can not fix or control the other person. Your efforts to fix the other’s behaviors or feelings about you, or change a particular situation are the cause of much discontentment, resistance, and suffering. It’s also been a way to avoid a life-task of experiencing the healing of your own broken heart.
Take this next Step and Be Aware:
Notice and be sensitive to yours (and their) buttons and triggers.
BAM! “It happened again…” Does a disconnect come on suddenly in your situation? Who really knows what just happened? There are so many contributing variables and yet - immediately the focus goes on the details of your problems.
This is now further evidence gathered against one another. As a result, you get lost arguing repeatedly over the particulars of who did or didn’t do what, to whom, when and where, how often, and so on as your present is being reintroduced to your past and the cycle continues.
More specifically, the problem is that, subconsciously, each partner misinterprets certain emotional cues – their own and most likely their partner’s – seeing them quite literally as dangerous threats.
You absolutely have everything it takes to walk in love and forgiveness and resist judgment and condemnation. You have the empowering choice to use the key to freedom from the pain of the past, present, and future. Jesus can and will heal your broken heart!
As you fully know how accepted and loved by God you are, as you honor your dignity and worth and God-given aspirations and life you will increase the chances of healing your relationships and marriage. You can learn to respond in healthy ways and know love. Doing this also increases the possibility of inspiring the other to engage in their healing work.
To heal your relationship or to have a healing influence on your spouse begins within you, from the inside out. When your identity is rooted in who you are in relation to God you’ll no longer step on the landmines that keep blowing your life apart. When you put your hope in God for vibrant relationships, you will have the internal strength you need to work through the problems until you reach the promise.
“The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners;”
Isaiah 61:1
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me.
He freed me from all my fears.”Psalm 34:4 NLT
Having been given a free will, created in God’s own image, today, I pray for you to choose life and live! May you see the light of God’s reality shining into your darkness making your choices visible to your heart. Hope is alive in you!
Hear more about this topic on Episode 25 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.