How do we get the attraction back?
Why do you first get together with someone? You have positive and amazing and beautiful feelings for them! Feelings of “being in love” are a wonderful thing. They show on your face, and they influence the way everyone around you experiences you. Eventually, something happens- and realize you are dealing with an imperfect person. They don’t meet your needs, or they said something or did something that hurt you, and now you have a complaint or frustration.
We all experience frustration in relationships, no one is exempt! However, what we do with it determines whether you live in:
The Land of Peace and Joy or The Land of Perpetual Suffering.
Living by default and just hoping your feelings will change is dangerous. Those feelings that get you frustrated can eventually turn into feelings of disgust and disdain. The complaining eventually turns into a relationship where you say: I love you but I don’t like you right now. I'm committed to you and this family, but I feel stuck.
What is your relationship with “negative feelings”?
1. I suppress my feelings
If I ignore my feelings, they’ll just go away, so I have spent my life constantly pushing them aside and considering them unimportant. By pretending they’re not real and resisting them over and over again, I feel blocked. I don’t even have many childhood memories. Talking about feelings just makes me feel confused and I have heard my excuse, “I’m not good with feelings, I don’t really have feelings”.
2. I judge my feelings
I have decided that my feelings haven’t served me well, in fact, they have led me to scary places. I’m mad at them and don’t trust them, so when they come close I lock them up and pretend they’re not powerful. Others may experience me as hard-hearted and disconnected in relationships.
3. I let my feelings rule
I feel deeply, I feel often and I permit myself to react to my feelings. Feelings have power and jurisdiction and so I let them have their way. People around me know how I feel, and they have full access to my life experience. Other’s may experience me as erratic, or depressed, or angry.
4. I have learned to manage my feelings
I am very alive and aware of my feelings and have learned to enjoy them and use them as the gift that they are.
Just like you make a plan to organize your closet, you can plan to organize your thoughts and feelings. It may not sound like fun, but when does cleaning out a closet sound fun? It’s the reward that motivates you. You can smile when you enter, find everything you need, be reintroduced to amazing possibilities as you find stuff you forgot you even had!
Decluttering your thoughts and emotions
What is mentionable becomes manageable. Take inventory by finishing these sentences: I am ready to be done feeling ______. I ready to start feeling__________.
As you read your negative feelings, give respect to them. There’s a story behind those feelings, and they often have a right to be there!
Decide if that feeling is serving you, or whether it’s locking you into the Land of Suffering. Hanging on to your rights and justice can keep you imprisoned in pain.
Invite God to love you in your story, and then confess your limitations. Tell Him your hardships and then thank Him for His mercy and kindness.
Send the offense away and walk free from the Land of Suffering.
Treat your spouse to kindness, gentleness, and gentle affection.
Inside your own heart, you can have a relationship with your feelings where they are given the voice that they need. Once you manage your feelings, then you’re able to have new eyes to see each other again. We’ve seen it happen right before our eyes!
Hear more about this topic on Episode 48 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.