Anxiety and adult children
Anxiety can come from guessing another’s motives and thoughts. When you feel like there’s a disconnect, it’s natural to wonder why. Why aren’t my adult children kind to me? What did I do wrong? How are they so easily offended and smothered by me? Why doesn’t my family respect my values? Any of these questions can lead you down a tortuous path of wondering and suspecting the worst-case scenario.
Your Life Dream
Audrey: Becoming a mother at age 21 changed the entire trajectory of my life, and instantly became the epitome of my hopes and dreams. Four children and 34 years later, I still have the same life dream, and that is for my children to feel safe and extremely loved by me. The seasons are different, our direct involvement may be different, but the dream will remain the focal point of my existence. Too much?
The Fuel of a Dream
Instinct is real! Being a mother kicked me into a nurture-mode, and it doesn’t magically disappear when the children turned into adults. This dream is more powerful than financial goals, having a certain kind of home or lifestyle, this is at the depth of my desires. This is final and most important to me. I will sacrifice for it and I will fight for it. Again, too much?
There’s a lot of power, passion, and emotion that comes with being a parent. Enough to get dangerous if you’re determined to get things your way, with your system, and make sure it all fits with your cultures, values, and traditions.
The challenge behind children/parent relationships:
As the adult child, you want to…
Be Independent
The desire to break free and be independent is legitimate, you were designed to break away and become your own person! When you feel manipulated and controlled, you may react by ignoring, rejecting, or even being harsh with your need for space.
Feel secure
The desire to feel secure is part of a family plan. You function best when you feel secure in your parent’s love. When this is broken, it turns to insecurity, sensitivity, and over-reacting. When your parent isn’t taking care of you, you can feel confused and misunderstood.
As the parent of an adult child, you want to…
Feel respect
Being honored is a natural desire for parents, as they have sacrificed and given to their children throughout their lives. When they follow the same values and traditions that you taught them growing up, you feel respected. Valued.
Have time together
Even if you live in different parts of the city or even world, you still love it when your kids value you enough to give you the attention and reach out. Feeling like a priority to your kids fills your love tank and nurtures the feeling of being connected.
Feel appreciated
The word “thank you” goes a long way when your adult child expresses gratitude and remembers the sacrifices and recalls happy memories.
Feel forgiven
For all the ways you feel like you’ve “missed the mark” and been imperfect, the gift of mercy is one of the kindest gifts your adult children could give you.
There is nothing wrong with these desires, but when they become unspoken expectations, they can turn into all-out disappointments. When you’ve been disappointed with one of your kids, recognize immediately that you are in a dangerous zone.
Anytime we do this as parents, we are (short answer) making it about ourselves instead of them. We think we have their best interest in mind, but we are enforcing our ways upon them. We can teach our children values, and train them to honor the same traditions as us, but in the end, we allow them to express themselves freely. This is not easy.
I love my kids by:
Being honest with myself about my hopes, dreams, expectations, agendas regarding my kids. Please notice that this doesn’t mean you have to have a conversation with them! This is your own “heart work”. If these are too specific, or if they are motivated by fear (my child won’t be successful, my child won’t make me look good as a parent, my child might experience pain or disaster) it will result in controlling them. Knowing these reveals my blindspots, and uncovers areas that they have experienced me as manipulative.
Taking personal responsibility to:
Love unconditionally - which means 100% acceptance, even without approval
Focus on the “real them” their original gifting and design!
Learn to communicate truth and love - the perfect combination!
Know their communication goals (we recommend downloading the free ebook, “My Communication Goals” at lovemarriedlife.com
When you lead with correction over a connection, you miss an opportunity to have your child truly feel truly heard. And be compassionate if your child is reactive - they’re literally channelling their inner child and still working through issues of the past. Knowing that anxiety comes from what you don’t know, consider the option to intentionally focus on what you do know, and then be clear with those you love.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 60 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.