What does Unconditional Love mean?

Unconditional love is a weighty term for something that most of us don't really understand, and it simply means "I offer you my love freely without condition.”

Otherwise, we are offering love with "strings attached." This creates power struggles and control issues.

Unconditional love means loving someone through hardships, mistakes, and frustrations. It is what every meaningful, lasting relationship is made of. When we enter relationships with other people, we are entering relationships with another human being—a person full of quirks and flaws and challenges. And we also show our own quirks and flaws and challenges.

One of the most beautiful experiences in human life is learning to lean into the tension of those challenges by offering connection, love, and understanding and by accepting influence, creating compromise, and moving forward in a way in which both people win.

It is not healthy to offer love without a safe place to share truth and love with open communication. Our relationships require basic expectations to be fulfilled—kindness, respect, and safety. When these are not fulfilled, we might have to bring understanding and guidelines. These next steps might look like distancing oneself or placing parameters on what it will take to make the other feel valued. You owe yourself safety, respect, and kindness. If we do not let our loved ones know where we stand in terms of how we expect and need to be treated, then we will not have an equal voice in the relationship.

There's a distinct line between loving someone through the hardships vs. accepting unacceptable behavior. The latter becomes apparent when the relationship is no longer offering the basic needs of a relationship. If someone has harmed you and they are not willing to repair it, then you need to set a limit for your own well-being. If you find that the relationship has devolved into behavior that lacks kindness and respect, then it's likely that a boundary needs to be set. This is especially true if you have tried to communicate clearly and still see no change. If you are enabling the person in a way that negatively affects your well-being, that isn't unconditional love—it's unhealthy, codependent love.

The word unconditional can sometimes create confusion or lead us to place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the way we love. If it's easier, consider instead the idea of wholehearted love. Wholehearted loving means leaning into the vulnerability of offering our love because we want to offer it.

Offering our love in this way means that we give it because it feels good to give it and not because we expect a particular outcome. Wholehearted love also acknowledges and prioritizes the wholeness of both people. To give wholehearted love, you must love your partner and yourself wholly.

You will know it is wholehearted love when both people are willing to enter with their whole hearts. When each person has a voice. When challenges are reflected upon. When growth happens. When there is no scoreboard because you are on the same team and not on opposing teams. Having a whole heart - helps you love to love effectively! Start with you...and allow Jesus to heal any brokenness and love you with full acceptance and mercy. You are worth being loved.

Hear more about this topic on Episode 95 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.