The power to forget
Why do we keep records? So that we can remember. Love keeps no records of wrongs. Why do we tend to remember past hurts even more vividly than past pleasures? Why do we want people to know how badly they have hurt us? Why do we want to keep score? Why is it so hard to let the history of our hurts go, especially if the accounts haven’t been settled?
Relying on our own human strength, we nourish old wounds and remember old hurts. We are full of personal needs and can become so intense, we can’t stop remembering how our love was not returned. We want the offending person to remember the wrong as clearly as we do so that when we finally even the score, he will be hurt enough for us to feel satisfied. We keep their fault alive through our anger and coldness.
When resentment grows, irritation grows along with it! We slice the single offence from the whole picture of who they are and separate them from all the beautiful things they have done. We insulate ourselves from feeling any obligation to remember their needs. We let our vivid memory painfully and intensely frame that person by our hurt feelings. We force our memory to distort reality so we can justify the resentment.
Moving towards a reconciled life is one of the hardest things we are called to do as humans who choose love. God’s love is always about new beginnings. Selfless love lets the past die and moves us to a new beginning without settling the past. With God as our strength, we don’t have to painfully dissect misunderstandings, but allow them to become irrelevant. Can you imagine accounts going unsettled? Differences remaining unsolved? Are ledgers staying unbalanced? Love's power keeps us from being fussy historians. Love prefers to toss all the loose ends of past rights and wrongs into the sea of forgetfulness.
Being a loving person doesn’t shield you from hurt, and it doesn’t mean we neglect important connecting conversations. We aren’t desensitized! We can’t avoid the process of finding resolve! But imagine the courage: Love has the power to look cruel facts in the face, see them for what they are, even when aimed at us. Love doesn’t gloss over the pain. But loves concern for the one who caused the hurt empowers us to forgive before we dig a rut of resentment in our memory.
Imagine having the power to throw away scorecards? Most people are driven to sad bitterness caused by painful memories. Keeping records of wrongs depresses us, robs us of gratitude, and even sneaks into our other relationships. Love has the power to move us toward people without expectation of return. It allows us to build a great tolerance for hurt. Love doesn’t demand explanations and apologies, for that too, would be keeping an account. This message could be interpreted as counter-cultural, yet it’s one of the most well-known definitions of love.
Starting fresh, with new mercies, is leaving your history’s tangled mess behind. Love is the power that drives us towards the person who wronged us, tearing up every moral scorecard. This is love’s ultimate goal. God allows us to start over again. Every single day. Let’s love those around us with the same love. The person with the power to forget is the person that can bring others around to do the same. It’s contagious.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 76 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey