Security Breeds Resilience
Developing and growing your sense of security is one of the greatest gifts you can give to your relationships.
A secure relationship is one where there is a secure bond between two people. That bond is predictable, consistent, and accessible to you. You feel like you can reach your loved ones emotionally and they’ll be responsive to you. Whether it’s your parent, your best friend, your child, or your brother…the benefits of security in a relationship are foundational and are the perfect set-up for enjoying each other’s company.
Our definitions of words are filtered through our personal experiences and needs. Taking time to think about what security means to you is a healthy exercise to bring focus and attention to your own heart. For many, security means absolute rest and trust that everything is taken care of. You don’t have to prove yourself or impress anyone and you can be shamelessly yourself. Nothing can replace the heart-felt deep knowing that you are loved by God, the One who made you and He is with you every moment. Security is settling into peace at its deepest level.
Five Practical Steps to Security
1. Take others out of the security-equation
We crave a sense of safety and belonging in our relationships, but ironically the “security question” can only be answered by knowing our security in God. It’s personal, it’s unique, but everyone has a quest to find God in their own way that reassures their heart…He is always there for me.” When that belief is firmly planted in the core of our hearts, we have hope that’s can’t be taken away from us.
When we are doing our own heart work and taking personal responsibility, it’s tempting to want to help the people around us to do their heart work as well, especially if their insecurities are affecting the atmosphere and connection in your relationship.No matter how much we love someone and have the best of intentions, initiating growth for someone else, doesn’t work.
People have to help themselves, so unless you’re being asked for advice or input, it isn’t usually wise to initiate the other person getting help.
2. Shift your focus and attention
When our security is threatened, it’s important to catch it quickly and adjust your focus. Obsessing about “what went wrong” and overthinking can bombard your mind, and before long you can be swirling in a downward spiral. In these moments, it’s practical to simply focus on something that you love, your favorite things, and anything lovely enough to distract you into new waves of good feelings of peace and joy.
We aren’t suggesting that you pretend…maybe the circumstances are truly challenging. Don’t deny yourself the feelings. Our script and our approach to an emotional freedom technique are: Even though I feel….Even though this is happening…the truth is…(insert a powerful belief or something you are thankful for).
3. Choose love
Find love regardless of the conditions. Look for it, even if it’s challenging, there is always something to find that you love! When we choose to love the conditions are easier to take, and the unpleasantness is shorter-lived! When it comes to walking in love, a good question to ask is “what is the most loving thing I can do for everyone involved?”
Loving without strings attached is freedom. Loving through the current conditions is growth in a way that launches you forward and gets you to new levels of maturity that you likely couldn’t get any other way. As you are established in feeling extremely loved by God, you are getting more secure by the minute.
4. Fear has no place
Anytime there’s a relationship issue, tension in the atmosphere, or any misconnect, there is always fear involved. You have the power to initiate fearlessness and every time you do, you are developing your sense of security.
When our insecurities are triggered, we trigger the other’s insecurity - that’s when the natural chain reaction is to jump to core fears. Your insecurity will eventually dance with the other person’s insecurity.
As you take responsibility for your insecurity, you know longer use words like: You make me feel…(guilty, unloved, etc). Even though their action, words, tone, or facial expression trigger you, you are ultimately responsible for how you’re going to feel. You can choose. Your feelings aren’t in charge, you are. And perfect love expels fear. And you are loved perfectly by God.
Sensitivity plus insecurity = the disaster
Sensitivity plus security = the dream
5. Choose joy
Do you want to have a good day? Do want to flip the switch and establish security in the depths of your heart?
Think about everything you have (and not what you don’t have)
Think about everything you know (not what you don’t know)
When the unexpected happens, and there’s a potential of feeling insecure, it’s your opportunity to tell the story and choose the narrative of how this is going to go. Think to yourself: I don't need to understand the “why” of everything before I feel secure and full of peace. I don’t have to wait for conditions to be perfect. I don’t have to let anything rob me of joy. Joy is what keeps you strong and (bottom line) you can afford to be ridiculously happy because ultimately your security is not in this world or a person, but in the very One who made you and loves you the most.
Feeling secure is about trusting God. The best way to live.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 131 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.