Relationship chemistry (Part 2)
Question: How do I love my husband well? I can’t be his source. I can’t change him. What can I do to keep our relationship chemistry alive?
Many men we meet in counseling sessions feel like a disappointment. Just last night we had a couple in our home office where the man said, “I’m ready to be done feeling and alone, and living like roommates”. The wife feels like she has to get work done and be responsible but just never feels like she’s enough to meet his needs. How do we help a couple who is stuck in this cycle?
Let’s get to the common challenges that women face when wanting to love their husbands.
The general needs of a man:
To feel significant
To feel companionship
To experience adventure
Let’s make this super practical…
Men: Your Choice
Every man craves the feeling of being truly significant and faces the battle of feeling worthless and unimportant. Knowing this about yourself, acknowledge that nobody in the world can validate you enough to make you feel completely approved and adored all the time. Success and relationships can be great contributors, but never your source. Instead of feeling frustrated that others haven’t done their part, you have an opportunity and choice to believe your Source. You are empowered to believe the truth of what Jesus says about you and refuse any other thoughts. You are invited to an ongoing relationship with your Creator God who designed you and remains thankful and receives unconditional love by Him.
Women: Your Contributing Factor
Knowing that your husband experiences love by feeling significant and respect, we want to help you! Let’s face the challenges of how to love a man who is feeling disconnected.
Challenge #1
How do I show respect when he isn’t functioning well?
Yes, as a woman you may be feeling under appreciated, unheard and exhausted and you’d love to just have a deep and effective conversation of how he could change and improve some of his habits!
Our advice: Change your eyesight. Get a new pair of eyes in how you see your husband. The most effective way to love your man is to notice what’s right with him instead of what’s wrong with him. Reminding him of his weaknesses and failure prevents him from having the space to grow. Pointing your finger downwards and talking to the “insignificant” part of him imprisons him. Reaching high and seeing him through the eyes of how His Creator first designed him to be? That gives him room to breathe and live and excel!
Challenge #2
What words can I use to encourage him with my respect?
“Oh baby, I respect you..” (said with a soft and alluring tone) Does that kind of language land? I don’t think so. Implementing the following words has really helped me speak to Bob’s worth and communicate that I believe in him.
Our advice: Try including these lines within your daily talks:
“You’re right!”
“That’s a great idea, let’s do it your way!”
“You make me so happy”
Challenge #3
I have so many ideas that could improve his life, what do I do with these?
Unsolicited advice on how to be a better person is usually perceived as “controlling”. You can’t have great chemistry when one person is attempting to control the other. In order to have loving relationships, there has to be 100% freedom. No obligation, no force, and no control. That’s what trust is. Unconditional love accepts the people around them and the situations just the way they are. This statement can be confusing because we don’t want to enable one another! We want to protect ourselves from getting hurt!
Too often we look at our incorrectly perceived problems and our incorrect perception of others’ faults and we think, “they are not perfect, and that perfection will come when they change”. Are you waiting for someone you love to be perfect? The problem is too many of us are so emotionally involved in trying to get others to change that we fail to realize that we are the only person we can really change.
Our advice: Trying to change things before accepting him as he is, is like wearing Chinese handcuffs, the harder you apply force, the more tension you create. Relax. Let the energy flow. Feel the unconditional love. You can have 100% acceptance without 100% approval.
In Conclusion:
Your thoughts towards your spouse are sending energy into the atmosphere. In order to maintain amazing relationship chemistry, identify the thoughts that focus on his imperfections.
Like the chemical reaction or fuel to a fire, your thoughts towards a person propel reaction and outcome. Whatever we choose to focus our attention on will automatically multiply in our lives. If our attention is on everything we don’t have, those very things will become more… or worse...
If our attention is on our troubles or the injustice of the past, they will become our trials of the present also.
Instead, if our minds are focused on the blessings we have received and the love of God, family, and friends, these will grow stronger. There is no reason to feel that you or someone else must change before you can be happy. You are the only one you can change, and it’s necessary to accept yourself despite your shortcomings before you can change. When we accept ourselves the way we are, we increase our ability to change, and when we start to change, those around us do likewise.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 22 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.