Relationship chemistry (Part 1)
I love chemistry in relationships. It’s not necessarily romantic, it’s just a person with another person! Everyone has experienced it - you’re with someone and it clicks. Something in you just loves being with that other someone. Science experiments are the most exciting when there’s a reaction of bubbling or fizzing and maybe even a burst of an explosion. In chemistry class, it’s explainable. In relationships, it can be more perplexing, especially when it comes to keeping the connection alive and working.
Let’s explore some of the ways to keep the good chemistry alive without blowing each other up!
First up, the difference between men and women. This topic has entertained us since the beginning of time. Even with its generalizations and sometimes over-simplistic solutions, the drawn conclusions have the potential to help us understand each other, and that always leads to connection.
The general needs of a woman:
To feel safe
To feel like Priority #1
To feel beautiful
Let’s make this super practical
Women: Your Choice
Knowing this about yourself, acknowledge that nobody in the world can validate you enough to make you feel complete and truly safe, priority and beautiful all the time. People and relationships can be great contributors, but never your source. Instead of feeling disappointed that others haven’t done their part, you have an opportunity and choice to believe your Source. You are empowered to believe the truth of what Jesus says about you and refuse any other thoughts. You are invited to an ongoing relationship with your Creator God who designed you and remain thankful and receive unconditional love by Him.
Men: Your Contributing Factor
Knowing this about your wife or loved one, ask the right questions. How can I contribute to my wife and help her feel loved? We want to help you! Let’s face the challenges that keep men stuck and feeling like a disappointment.
Challenge #1
How do I make her feel safe, priority and beautiful?
Yes, sometimes you feel powerless, and no matter how you’ve tried, it feels impossible. However, even though you could never be her source, you are her greatest influencer and contributor.
Our advice: Ask her. The most romantic thing any man can do is continue to get to know her. Presuming you already know can rob you from the gift of a deeper connection.
Set yourself up for success and choose the right setting and the right time. Position yourself by looking into her eyes. Don’t just blurt out the questions, but express your desire to love her in a way that lands. Now, you’re ready to ask her some great questions:
When do you feel most safe with me?
When do you feel the most prioritized by me?
When do you feel the most beautiful around me?
Challenge #2
Her feelings don’t make sense
In general, men prefer a success approach to communication. That’s why connecting to feelings seem to cloud and complicate the issue at hand. You have likely heard the phrase: Men are logical, women are emotional. We like to change that up. Men are logical, women are relational. Our friends, Bill and Pam Farrell wrote a book with a great title, Women are Like Spaghetti, Men are Like Waffles. The concept is that spaghetti touches all parts and is constantly moving, and can appear like a tangled mess. Waffles are compartmentalized and seemingly make a lot of sense.
Our advice: Listen to her. When she is having feelings of some kind, good or bad, have patience and hear her heart. Respond by looking into her eyes and nodding. Give her gentle affection. If she’s sad, simply say, “I’m so sorry that happened...tell me more”. Don’t bring explanation or logic.
Conclusion
Feelings are a component in the chemistry of a relationship
If you want connection and fun and great conversations, it starts with feelings. God gave us feelings to experience life. Instead of ignoring them or letting the negative ones dominate your life, make it your intention to hear the feelings in each other’s hearts. It’s the next level of connection.
Buried feelings become evident in your relationships...eventually. We don’t get to pick or choose which feelings will manifest in our life, nor do we consciously choose how they will manifest. But buried feelings trigger our every day, minute to minute choices and behavior whether we recognize it or not. Negative feelings that we have buried are what create challenges, uneasiness, and emotional pain.
These potentially damaging feelings are not dead unless they are resolved. They remain the source of our unresolved conflicts. These feelings determine our emotional reactions and experiences in life. We must learn to identify negative feelings and thoughts before we can avoid or resolve them. We all want relief from pain, hate, anger, fear, suffering and hurt.
Of all the languages in the world, the most difficult language to communicate is the language of feelings. One of our greatest challenges as human beings to effectively communicate with other people what we truly feel.
Most couples don’t know how to effectively navigate challenging feelings, which results in a form of defeat. We just prefer not to talk about “those things” it only leads to conflict. Or, if we do continue to talk about our feelings, it leads to patterns of conflict. Just the fact that you are reading this article reveals that you are an exception. You are willing to find your source of unconditional love. Being in a personal relationship with God sets you up for safety and depth when it comes to expressing your feelings.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 21 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.