Loving boundaries
Many people survive their lives feeling pressured and guilty within their relationships, all in the name of loyalty and self-sacrifice. In order to have great relationships, we need to learn how to establish healthy boundaries.
Establishing Boundaries from a “Healthy You”
There are some things in life we can’t rush. Two that immediately come to mind are:
Be still.
Wait.
We were designed for comfort and peace as we bask in God’s presence. And there’s no shortcut to these invitations:
“Be still and know that He is God”
“They that wait upon the Lord will renew their strength”
The rhythms of life work best when we take time to breathe slowly and rest. Relationships are highly affected by our personal heart condition and wholeness. Investing in comfort and peace is so important if we are going to be “loving” as we set boundaries. God cares deeply about the depths of your heart and experiencing His love a journey that is uniquely yours, and you’re worth it.
After working with countless couples and digging into how people truly feel loved, one of the ways love lands for many people is a little something we call: SPACE WITHOUT GUILT. Bob understands my heart and smiles with joy as I walk out the door and take long walks with our dog Winston. Within two minutes from our home, I am in complete solitude in the desert with the cactus, the sunshine, the blue sky, and Jesus.
What happens when we don’t experience God’s comfort?
In short? We snap. It may take a while, but we can only give so much or go so hard until we get desperate. And desperate people do shocking things...so we don’t want to get to that place. Because this truth is something Bob and I prioritize, we are sensitive to what each other needs when it comes to generously giving each other space. It has brought new levels of safety as we feel understood by each other.
What I can’t take with me on my walk? Guilt. Guilt about something else I should be doing. Guilt is real, and it is a thief. It robs you and prevents the flow of true rest into your heart. If you try and take some time to refresh and still have guilt, it doesn’t work. Remember the love gift to yourself and others: Space without Guilt.
Where most people go wrong (including me!)
When we don’t have space we can begin to feel invaded and even trapped. So the natural reaction is to build a wall of self-protection that can feel like coldness and hardness to those around us. We feel the need to set a boundary.
There have been times when I have felt emotionally plundered, and guilt tells me I don’t have a choice or any control. So where I go wrong, is when someone close to me asks for “quality time” and in my depletion, I jump into self-protection. My reaction is to “put up a boundary”. Unfortunately, I waited too long and didn’t prepare for the conversation so this is when I have ended up pouncing on them with an inappropriately strong “no” that is out of context. (Usually, people who are “pleasers” don’t say anything until they are overtired and exhausted and then react with a harsh and desperate reply).
Boundaries can divide, but they don’t have to
I’ve decided to take personal responsibility to set loving boundaries. I am going to be prepared and do it in a way that is loving and kind. That’s how I can be strong and courageous, while at the same time being gentle and thankful. To make this extremely practical, I am going to start my answer:
By being thankful for something specific about that person.
Then I will offer a loving and thoughtful compliment, something I appreciate about them.
My response to their request will be, “I won’t be able to commit to that, and I sure hope you can hear my heart towards you. This isn’t against you, this is more about how I need to be wise and take care of myself.”
How to be prepared for the conversation
Find out what you need in your current season and situation that will fill your joy tank. This is very personal for you! We understand that in some seasons of life, this is impossible. Sometimes I have only had five minutes in a day to spare, but what I do with that five minutes is key. I “cast all my cares” on Jesus. I imagine the most beautiful safe place in the world. I invite Jesus into that place, and I hear his voice and wisdom for my life. This is a practical expression of how I am “being still and knowing that He is God.” This is what it looks like for me to “wait upon the Lord and renew my strength, so I can rise up with wings like an eagle”. Think about your life, and what would work for you. Again, you’re worth it.
The result?
The boundary is set in place but was established with much love, joy, and kindness. Now that you feel safe and protected, you can enjoy the relationship again.
What became an obligation becomes a joy again. And that person who was putting pressure on me? They may not have changed at all, but I did! Guilt no longer has an influence on me. That relationship that felt forced and “a lot of work” just worked it's way back into peace and freedom.
Hear more about this topic on Episode 28 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.