I want to feel connected

Don’t you love it when everything seems to click into place, and having a relationship together is easy? If an effortless connection is bliss, then why do married couples give up so easily and settle for frustration and sometimes even indifference?

It’s not for lack of love.  Just last weekend we were speaking at a marriage event with a few hundred people present. As we invited couples into the journey of connection and offered strategies and conversation workshops to help along the way, there was one young couple that couldn’t get past the awkward disconnect that had somehow plagued their relationship. They were sitting five feet apart and unable to look into each other’s eyes or have any type of gentle or kind conversation.   

One assignment entailed each couple to walk through one of their first disappointments and bring resolve and love into that situation. As the mass of couples eagerly engaged in meaningful conversations at their tables, this one particular couple continued to stare straight ahead in awkward silence. You can imagine how thankful I was when the young man did something very brave: He raised his hand asking for help.

I came towards them and felt God’s heart for them. There was so much pain and misunderstanding. I put my hand on the young man’s shoulder as he looked down in shame. I said, “You love your wife so much. You never meant to get to this place of so much hurt. There’s nothing you want more than to show her how much you love her. I know she’s hurt you, and you have hurt her, but this is your new day.” Tears began to fall down his cheeks.

Then I looked into that beautiful girl’s eyes. “My sweet girl, you have been holding things against him for so long, haven’t you?” She was a little more hardened, and I knew this might take a little while, but I felt her willingness to resolve and felt her need for justice. For about ten minutes we talked through the disconnect that took place during those first disappointments. For seven years they had held so much confusion and didn’t know how to navigate through. As they moved towards each other and extended mercy and resolve and apologies, they met each other in a very deep place.

I could feel the relief inside each of their hearts because they had been longing for connection but just needed a little help getting over the obstacle that stood in front of them, seemingly insurmountable. As we finished, I asked them to find a corner where they could be somewhat alone, and hold each other. I made it very clear: Don’t give each other hug, but hold each other until you feel the connection that drew you together in the first place. Allow each other to heal as you melt into each other’s arms.

As I walked away, I knew they had a choice. They could either dismiss the last ten minutes and go back to their disconnect and shrug it off, or they could move towards each other. Ten minutes later as I was grabbing lunch in the lobby, I looked up and far away in the corner I saw this beautiful young couple. They were holding each other and weeping in each other’s embrace.

The next day I was able to see them again. They were beaming and sparkling with life and hope. They thanked me, but then I thanked them. I said, “You love each other so much, and you aren’t a problem case, you just needed a little help getting over that obstacle”.

Connecting is like planting seeds into each other’s hearts, and then watering those seeds. When you neglect or ignore a garden, it can become overgrown, confused, dry and result in a bunch of dried up bushes that can easily catch fire! As you visualize a beautiful garden, it’s enticing, inviting, alive, growing, changing and evolving. 

Is a beautiful garden hard work? It all depends on your point of view. I’ve watered flowers out of obligation, and the water couldn’t come out fast enough because I was impatient and had other things to do that felt more important. On the other hand, I’ve watered flowers out of extreme relaxation with the warm sun on my back and perfect white clouds in the sky and there’s nothing I have enjoyed more as I gazed on the colors of the flowers and felt the reward of my efforts. It was the same task, but a completely different experience! 

Question: What if I’m the only one who wants to work on this? Does it help if one person plants seeds and tends to the garden of the relationship?  

Answer: A big yes. A wonderful way to plant seeds into your partner’s heart is to simply notice something you love and appreciate about them. Don’t start with correcting them, or offering advice or saying “we need to talk”. Instead, just start remembering what you loved about them in the first place, or notice that little thing they did that felt loving. Start where you can by planting a seed. Water that seed by offering gentle affection. Weed out the dried-out brush and disconnect by apologizing as needed. Tending to the garden of your relationship begins the journey to relationship bliss where you are connected, safe and you fall in love all over again.  

Hear more about this topic on Episode 38 of All About Relationships Podcast with Bob and Audrey.