168 / What’s my role in helping?

The one you love…your spouse, your kids, your parents…it seems they need help. It seems they’re making unwise choices, it seems they are sabotaging their future, and it seems they’re allowing fear to limit their lives. What is my role, and what is my best plan of action? 

When we love someone, it’s difficult to watch them endure pain or make choices that won’t get them what they ultimately want. Depending on our personalities, we will respond in numerous ways, so it’s important to identify our strengths and our tendencies. Knowing our strengths also helps us to identify when we overuse that strength, turning our desire to help into a pitfall. 

In my personality (Audrey) my propensity towards compassion and empathy makes me want them to feel better ASAP. My mind starts reeling and I start forming a plan in my mind. What can I do to help alleviate their pain? What action steps can I take so that life will be easier? My over-helping and over-concern moves into managing and I can get thrown into a fix-it frenzy. 

I see it clearly now. I have an incredible gift of handing out “feel-good-bandaids” that are wonderful and loving when used at the right time, but also a mask to someone’s true struggle. My lack of capacity to feel comfortable in someone’s pain-filled or angry emotions has resulted in a skill set that has sabotaged those I love the most.  

Not anymore. Now I see it. I see the dysfunction of my ways and how I have stunted the growth in others, all whilst I think I” 'm being kind and loving. Eighty percent of transformation is awareness. I’m finally secure enough and I’m finally ready to see this for what it is. I am learning to allow people around me to feel their struggle. Sometimes people aren’t ready to feel good. Sometimes I’m not the answer and when they’re ready, someone else will be available to help. I can trust God, and I can trust the process. 

Here’s a script from a recent TV show that mirrors many of our conversations: 

A: Are we ever going to talk for real?

B: I guess If we can’t be real, what are we even doing?

A::You haven’t been opening up and I want to know why.

B: It doesn’t matter.

A: Can we not do this? Just tell me!

I see you drowning…not doing well in life! 

I’ve been here available to pull you out, and you just cut me off!

I’m your best friend!

I’m a ray of light and sunshine!

Why aren’t you letting me love you? 

B: Yes, I know.

And you won’t let me just be miserable.

I need to hit rock bottom and you won’t let me.

You can’t read the room of what I really need. 

I’m not trying to make you feel bad,

But it’s not fun to be around somebody

Who says, “Everything’s going my way, and we 

Can live amazing and perfect lives” when

MY LIFE IS NOT OK. 

There is sadness and grief I am working through  

Negative emotions are helpful and necessary when we let them ricochet us into making choices and decisions that will benefit our lives, our future, and our relationships. They allow us to move from surface conversations to ‘what’s really going on”. They reveal places that need loving attention. 

Instead of smothering you with “feel-goods” and positive advice, I am trusting you and your journey. Instead of jumping off my own path in life, and jumping onto yours and clearing the way, I will just walk beside you.  

Our loved ones belong with us, but they don’t belong TO us. There’s a big difference. When we have ownership over something, we feel the responsibility to care for it. It’s the same with people, feeling like we own them turns into a dysfunctional form of slavery. We care, but we don’t control. 

The take home? Invest in your own sense of security. We’ll never find security in this world, or people. They aren’t our ultimate source. When you radically trust God, you can afford to be ridiculously happy! The One who made heaven and earth is your hope. Not the condition of those around you.  

Then love those around you by offering access, acceptance, and an atmosphere of “no judgment”. Allow your loved ones to feel like they belong with you and can bring their authentic self with them. Give them space for individuality and expression. Be comfortable with their struggle and emotions. Trust God with their journey and be available.  

Hear more about this on Episode 168 of the “All About Relationships” podcast with Bob and Audrey.