When protecting yourself means you’re scared
Playing nice feels safe
If you feel distant from someone you love, how can you start playing nice with each other? As soon as someone feels they can’t be accepted as “completely themselves” in a relationship, self-protection begins to erode true connection. How can you nurture relationships that are simply enjoyable and meaningful?
There’s always something you can do, instead of waiting for the other person to change. Instead of turning towards the other person, you’re turning inward or turning away in an attempt to avoid a sense of increasing danger.
There are many ways that we can feel emotionally unsafe in relationships. We often dismiss or misinterpret feeling a lack of safety in a relationship, and after time, we don’t even notice we are in a dysfunctional cycle. After enough intimidation, we may chalk it up to our own insecurities or blame it on anxiety arising from within.
If you find yourself:
Not knowing what to expect from day to day or moment to moment
A hesitancy to initiate affection or intimacy because of a pattern of rejection
Biting your tongue out of a fear of the repercussions of speaking your truth
Your emotions being mocked or dismissed.
Hiding certain aspects of yourself in order to avoid rejection or ridicule
It’s time for you to leave the “fear dance”. Here are some ways to get started.
Invest in your identity
There won’t be an instant return on this investment, because it’s a long-term lifestyle that aligns your self-talk, your prayer times and managing your feelings. We call this “heart work” because out of the abundance of your heart, your mouth speaks. Your words are in direct correlation with what’s truly happening in the depths and core of you. In the simplest form, you are learning to receive unconditional love from God. This nurtures your value, security and knowing your source in your creator. Becoming fearless and gentle sets you up for powerful vulnerability.
You carry an atmosphere wherever you go. As you learn to rest in your existence and find peace in each day, you are setting the tone for how others experience you. Do people come home to relax their guard? Are others authentic with you because they don’t feel the risk of being judged or taken advantage of? To be our best, we need our relationships to be our stable ground from which we grow into the rest of our lives.
And so when the home is more unpredictable wobble board than a sanctuary, the effects extend outwards. Much like an infant with an insecure attachment to a parent shows less confidence in exploring the world, an adult that doesn’t feel safe in their primary relationship may hesitate to take risks or be prone to excess worry.
The Powerful Benefits of Feeling Safe in a Relationship
Safety is a primary need. Without a sense of safety, much of your energy is extended towards being ready to run, hide or fight or freeze up. And when that need is met, your energy is freed towards loving others and you feel securely anchored enough to take risks in other areas.
When at their best, our relationships give us both the firm ground on which to stand and the encouragement to extend beyond our perceived limitations. Let’s enjoy life together!